Making friends

I forgot that I went to my third LLL meeting on Tuesday morning. I've been trying different ones around the city to find my niche. Well, this was it! I knew *5* people there! Wow, what a good feeling. All people from the homebirth circle or yoga, so I called Alice and told her she should check it out next month. She is hesitant, because she knows so much about breastfeeding already, having been a doula for so long, but I told her it's about social time! Especially as a new first time mom, I think she'll enjoy the opportunity to hang out with other moms and babies in a child friendly atmosphere where nobody cares if you show up late ;).

I have yoga today and the girls have off from school for inservice, so my boss's daughter is coming to babysit. Hopefully that will go well. Tom just called and said there is skating tonight for 4 for $18 at the ESL Sports Center, so even though he's not feeling up to it, maybe we'll go and take the kids. It sounds like fun! I wish he were feeling better. He's still tired. He did get up and get Soren breakfast though, so I could lounge in bed for a few. I have a feeling he wished our positions were reversed though ;).

Eating!

Oh my! I think my mild nausea is almost at an end and I'm starving this week! Today I had oatmeal for breakfast, a grilled cheese sandwich for brunch, a Snickers bar for a snack at work, a bowl of cottage cheese and 2 bowls of cereal for lunch, and then I went on a huge cooking spree at dinner time. I made a huge salad, fruit and cream scones, custard filled cornbread and pancakes and sausage! My kids were freaking out LOL!

Tom told if I made all the food in the house, he would run to the store for me ;).

Not only did I cook all that, but I ate 6 or 7 small pancakes (they're sour cream fluffy ones, so that's not as bad as it sounds), about 4 or 5 pieces of link sausage, and a scone so far! ACK! I never eat this much.

Tom is feeling a bit better. He's out meeting the mechanic to try to fix his truck finally. I guess I should clean up the kitchen after my marathon cooking expedition.

More sickness

Tom has the stomach flu. Ugh. I'll admit right up front that I'm not a good nurse. I am sympathetic about people being sick but that's about as far as it goes. I don't relish dealing with sick adults. Kids are OK. When I get sick, I try to go to bed and just be alone and ask for a minumum of stuff- I just want to sleep until I feel better.

Anyway, it ended up screwing up the day. Tom tried to install the new fan in his truck this morning and it was the wrong thing. So he was supposed to meet the mechanic tonight to try a different one but then got sick. So he didn't work yesterday or today ,and won't work tomorrow because he's sick. And I'm worried because we're broke. Being self-employed and having to take time off isn't a good mix.

The other thing is that he told me to bring the kids by his parents on my way to work - that's where he was working on his truck when he started feeling nauseous, so he ended up staying there this afternoon because he was throwing up and didn't feel like he could drive home. But then he was too sick to bring Emma to the gym. So I had to leave the gym 10 minutes before Soren's gymnastics class was over (5:30 to 6:30), run and get Emma from the in-laws and trade Soren (Emma went there to eat dinner and Soren was to eat dinner next) and be back at the gym at 6:30 because I also had a class to teach. Plus the 5:30 p.m. teacher was late (Soren's teacher) so I ended up teaching the first half of her class. Gah!

Soren pitched a FIT when I dropped her off, but thankfully Tom's niece, Jasmine, was there, and of course this was the first time I met her. I looked terrible - no make up, sweats, my hair flying away out of its pony tail, and I fly in, drop off a screaming child and flee. I'm sure she thinks I'm an amazing catch ;).

Oh, the thankfully part is that Soren has hung out with Jasmine before and really likes her, so chilled as soon as I left, and Jasmine was doing a fantastic job of distracting her :). Tom's mother isn't any good at that at all.

So I get back to pick Soren up at 8:30 and Tom is still throwing up :(. He decided to just stay there, which makes me feel like a slacker wife and his mom is going to think that he doesn't trust me enough to take care of him, and also it makes ME feel like he'd rather have his mom than me in some ways :-/. I just keep telling myself that he IS really sick and getting in the car to drive over here is silly when he's going to be sick wherever he is. But I am creeped out here staying by myself and I'd rather have him here and be taking care of him, even if I'm not a good nurse. So there.

This also means I have to put the kids on the bus in the morning, and I'm praying that Soren doesn't balk. :::sigh:::

I also have to get to the grocery store tomorrow because we don't have food and I forgot to get cash to give the girls lunch money for tomorrow. Yeesh. Maybe I'll just drive them to school after all.

School Angst

So Tom, Emma and I met with Emma's teacher, Mrs. M. after school yesterday. I actually thought it went pretty well although it was really hard on Emma. I hope it was worth it. Mrs M. and Emma were making a list of things that were the different and the same about her old school and her new one, and then they did the same about Mrs. M. and Tr. Tracey. That was hard for Emma. She's not the kind of kid who would willingly hurt someone's feelings unless it's her sister, so she didn't say too much, but we did get some things out in the open.

I really believe that a lot of what she doesn't like about the classroom is the inherent lack of respect for the children as people. Like, they are only allowed to sharpen their pencils in the morning. Now Mrs. M explained that if she *really* needed to, Emma could do it in the middle of the day, but that she should sharpen all her pencils in the morning so she wouldn't need to, because she couldn't have 26 kids using the electric pencil sharpener all day, which I can respect, but it's stuff like that that gets to Emma.

I also found out that they have a "stoplight" for behavior. So if you get on green, that's a warning, yellow, you better watch out and red is a time out. Emma is *terrified* of the thing. She would be mortified to have her name up there. Apparently she got to green one day for talking (not that that surprises me ) and has been disturbed by it ever since. I'm not a fan of public humiliation so I can totally understand her distaste for it. Apparently it's a school-wide system though. No fighting the system! Geez.

Emma also hates being asked to do work over - especially writing work. She figures she got it the first time so who cares if it's messy. I can relate, but...I can also see that she needs to work on her handwriting.

All in all her teacher was pretty freaking smarmy. Emma gave her a hug before we left, but it seemed forced. Mrs. M. just makes me want to gag. I don't know - she asked Emma if they could start over and try to be friends and Emma hesitantly agreed, but she wasn't buying it either. I guess we'll see how the next couple of weeks go and then evaluate again.

Soren, OTOH is really adjusting well and *cried* because there is no school on Friday (inservice) because she'll miss show and tell. LOL! I'm crying because that's my yoga day and I don't know what I'll do with them! I need to ask Elizabeth (my boss's daughter) if she'll babysit for a couple of hours I guess.

In other news, we got 7 inches of snow last night, there are accidents all over, but school goes on ;). I have to work this morning, but need to go finish my laundry :::sigh::: It seems like it never ends and it just keeps multiplying. I am *so* sick of it, yet feel guilty when Tom does it. I'm not used to sharing the load still, but it's getting easier. The living room is trashed again as usual too. Part of the problem is the huge BOX in the middle of the room that the kids are playing with. It's cool...but it's taking up all the space! And I'm tired of looking at my books in boxes. It's been 2 months. I'm about to take them in the basement and store them. I can't stand looking at them much longer. I also need to go to Target and get a baker's rack so I can put the last box of kitchen stuff away. There's just no room in the kitchen and I'm tired of the damn box sitting behind the table.

Also, I spent a lot of time organizing the basement into a play area for the kids - and they NEVER go down there. They don't watch TV, which is cool, but they also don't play with anything. I guess I should be flattered that they just want to hang out with me, help cook and read books ;). The whole bottom floor of this house might as well not exist as far as they're concerned.

OK, enough venting ;). I'm really not grumpy. I think I just feel physically out of sorts. I feel kind of constantly full and I have to get used to that pg. feeling again. I'll adjust.

Tom is already gone - off to his parents to dig out their driveway so his dad can go to PT and then he's off to finish a ceiling fan job and start a painting job. The fan in his truck died two days ago, so he has to install the new fan too, so his truck will defrost.

Yay!

I found 4 size Medium turtlenecks in Emma's clothes bin. I had forgotten they were there. I also found 3 pairs of shoes that Soren has grown into, 2 of which are shiny black dress shoes, which thrills her to no end, since they match her stunning velvet dress that she got for Solstice ;). My little girly girl!

My stomach has suddenly decided to get pregnant (at 7 weeks??) and my sweat pants don't zip up all the way anymore, as I found out when I got dressed for work this afternoon. I guess I didn't notice since I spent the main part of the day in my PJs ;).

I *did* end up slightly motivated though and I did 3 loads of laundry (yay, we have socks again!), cleaned the family/dining room/kitchen, and made butternut squash soup, which turned out *fantastic* for some reason. I think it was the squash itself. I used my friend Jane's recipe, but didn't have miso :(. I really need to get to the health food store so I can pick up miso and Tom's Silly Strawberry toothpaste for the kids. That means a trip either downtown or across the city to Henrietta though. I'll see how motivated I am tomorrow. I'm thinking of going to a LLL meeting in the morning, if I can stop sleeping long enough . I also have to work at Danielle's tomorrow so I can make money and get some stuff done!

Sleeeeeeepy

We went to PA this weekend and the girls had a good visit with their dad. He had to buy them socks, because I forgot to pack any! He tried to buy turtlenecks for Emma, but Target didn't have any. I can't believe that they have all their spring stuff out already! I'll have to try here and see.

It was a long drive back, with the girls bickering the whole, entire way. I was furious when we got home and they kept it up for the rest of the day. I was so grateful when they went to bed. Ugh. This morning, Soren cried about going to school again. I felt sorry for her :(. I got a packet from the Rochester Homeschooling Association last week. I met with Emma's teacher on Friday and I disliked her intensely. Emma and I are meeting with her tomorrow after school to see if we can work things out, but I have low hopes. We'll see. Ugh again!

I got up this morning, got the girls to school, took a bath and promptly fell back to sleep for an hour and a half. All I do is sleep, it feels like. I napped yesterday in the car, and Saturday, Tom and I went shopping and then came back and napped for over an hour at Erica's!

oh, we did go to see Cold Mountain , which was very sad. I had already read the book so knew about the ending, but Tom was disturbed. It's one of my worries (for those of you that have seen it!) - I'm concerned that now that I've found love, that it will be wrested away from me in some random way.

Tired

I was up waaaay too late last night, but it was worth it. I had to get up early this morning, not only because I had to get the kids to school but because I had an appointment with the school counselor to discuss Soren, which I didn't end up really doing after all.

I ended up unburdening myself to this pleasant woman about Emma's teacher and how Emma is intimidated by her because of the way she screams at the kids (and admittedly, she apparently has some real "challenges" to deal with), but this is unacceptable. The counselor even admitted that she had seen some things in the classroom that concerned her, but that what I was reporting should be taken to the principal after I (oh joy of joys) talk to the teacher about it first. Yikes. So I have an appointment with the teacher tomorrow after school. Double Yoiks. I do give her credit for calling me right back this afternoon though.

The counselor said that if we can't work things out, that it may be possible to move Emma to a different class, but she likes a lot of the girls in her class, so I hate to do that to her.

Then we talked about Soren and how her teacher refused to conference with me when we moved here and how she is still having separation anxiety. She said that Soren seems "reserved and contained" at school, which worries me, because that's not how she is at home ;). she's apparently very cooperative, but she has no friends to speak of, not because the kids don't like her, but because she could really care two shits about other kids at all. She is like this at the gym too. She wants to be with me and only me and refused to interact with other kids. When kids *want* to play with her, like at the birthday party we went to in November, she didn't want to play with them. She never asks to go to anyone's house, never talks about having friends at school, etc. This is worrying to me. She also, although having improved her verbal perserveration, is now refolding her clothes when I pile them on her bed in the morning, prior to then unfolding them again, and putting them on. I'm getting worried that she has some sort of personality disorder, OCD, or early onset bipolar disorder. Gawd. My brain runs amok.

So, I want to talk to *Soren's* teacher too. But I think if I had my druthers, I'd homeschool Emma and keep Soren in kindergarten to see if her social skills improve (did I mention that she *never* talks about her feelings either?) but Soren would never ever ever in a million gazillion years go on that bus or to her classroom knowing that Emma was at home with me. It is all very frustrating and confusing.

Anyway, I talked more with the counselor about the way the school is teaching and my concerns with it and she agreed with all of them and totally supported me homeschooling although she said she'd love to see me get involved with the school and give input on the PTA. Which I would consider because I think the whole public school system here is fecking ridiculous and has been murdered outright by the No Child Left Behind lunacy. :::creeping off soapbox:::

In other news, I was at work for an extra hour while my boss prattled at me about nothing, but hey! That's an extra hour of money. AND I found out that he can help me get insurance! Woohoo! So his wife is going to bring in paperwork for me tonight and they can do it as a paycheck deduction, which rocks. ::::crossing fingers and toes:::

I'm going to prenatal yoga tomorrow for the first time too. I can't wait! The instructor is really cool. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but she was the homebirth circle I attended last Sunday. And then, I'm off to PA for the weekend ::sigh:: Tom and I are going to see Cold Mountain while the girls are with their dad and Emma's going to have an overnight with a friend of hers and I want to go to church on Sunday. Yay! I miss the UU desperately.

There are more money woes happening with my house and insurance but I'm tired of thinking about them so I'm going to go put away the 4 loads of kids laundry waiting for me upstairs and then hopefully lay down for a few before the bus comes.

A Day at Home

Yep the kids are home from school today, so I called off this morning and Tom is coming home early to watch the girls so I can go to work at 4:30 p.m. I don't think he's very happy about it, but I don't know what else to do about it.

They don't seem very sick though ;). They are bickering, bouncing around and generally driving me nuts while I try to pay bills online, but it's kind of nice to have them home regardless. This weekend is a trip to PA so I'll get a bit of a break on Saturday to do what I want. Too bad I'm totally broke ;).

I need to start planning our trip to Vegas - I want to send some things on ahead, like sleeping bags and a tent, so that we can camp on the way home if we want to. Not to mention, the camp stove. I don't know how we'll survive another week off w/o both of us working, but I'm sure we'll figure it out. I'd be off anyway because school is out and the gym is closed. Maybe I'll hire myself out for a few days as a cabaret singer while we're in Vegas . I want to plan a cool trip home so that it's doable with the kids. I have no idea how many days we should plan for to drive back. Guess I need to hit Mapquest!

::::whine::: Yep, Emma threw up while I was at work. I *hate* being away from my kids when they need me! I guess I will be calling off tomorrow morning to be home with them. I hope it's not strep, because I have sore throat and Soren is now complaining of a sore throat and my insurance is all screwed up still.

At least I survived work tonight! Hopefully the kids will sleep well and feel better in the morning.

OK, I guess it wasn't morning sickness. It was some sort of stomach flu. Soren threw up at school and I had to go get her, and Emma's tummy hurts too. Ugh! I am going in to work late so that Tom can come home and watch them. His mom was going to have them over, but that's out! Now I will have to drag Soren to work with me tomorrow morning too. Poor kid :(. I hate it when she's sick. Plus she threw up in her hair so she had to have a bath.

I've managed to eat a packet of ramen noodles. I never did make it to the bank. Feh. I hope I don't throw up anymore.

After I posted yesterday, I spent the rest of the day with all-day sickness. I napped fitfully for 2 hours in the afternoon and finally threw up around 5 p.m. Then Mike and Danielle got home and I drove home, feeling rotten, got home, laid down, and puked again around 8 p.m. Soren was rather freaked out by it all.

I felt marginally better when I woke up this morning and have had dry toast and a yogurt, but am starting to feel like crap again. I have to work tonight, so I'm going to get some rest. I also have to get to the bank at some point. I can't wait to go out in the cold and snow feeling like this, let me tell you. I feel so lethargic, it's an effort to type.

The midwife appointment went great! It lasted about two hours and we both really liked Meg. She checked my iron levels, which are good and pointed me in the direction of the food co-op downtown to get some natural prenatal vitamins which might be a little easier on my stomach. She was reassuring about my concerns about bleeding and has some things she wants to try differently, but she said that I will probably need to get a shot of pitocin right after birth to be on the safe side, which I'm comfortable with.

Tom got to be there for most of the appointment, which was great. She also filled out an application for WIC for me, so I'll see if I qualify. Insurance is the biggest issue right now, as COBRA has raised my fee 30% as of Jan. 1. There's no way that that can be swung, even with my friend helping me to pay for it.

Also, my house in PA is almost in foreclosure because I haven't been able to pay the full monthly mortgage, although I've been trying to pay *something* every month. I'm so broke, ack! It will just take some time to get back on my feet. I hate dealing with money.

Yesterday, I went to a local homebirth circle, which was so wonderful! I met a bunch of hsing moms too and they're going to help me get the forms I need to get started with pulling the girls out of school. I'm sure that's the direction I want to go in. They are just so unhappy there. Ugh. Anyway, I got to hear 3 birth stories, which was great; I met Alyce, the student midwife who hooked me up with this group. It was her birthday, her first day out since being so ill w/ her pregnancy, and she felt the baby move for the first time yesterday! Very cool. I, OTOH, had my first real morning/afternoon sickness - really nauseous. It's been waxing and waning ever since and I feel pretty crappy still. I hope it passes soon!

I have spent the weekend at Danielle's house, watching the twins so her and her dh, Mike, could go to GA for his bday. It sounds like they've had a good time. I can't wait till they get home just so I can go to MY house and do laundry and sleep in my own bed again. I'm so exhausted, but I have so much to do at my house ::sigh:::. At least I don't work tonight.

David was here on Saturday and Sunday too, and seemed to have a great visit w/ the girls. It was a little odd to all stay in the same house, but it went well I think. Soren was very sad to see him go. Emma hasn't said much at all. it makes me sad.

That's all the news from Lake Ontario ;).

Midwife Appointment

I had a dream last night that I was interviewing my midwife (which I'm actually going to do today) at this birth center out in the middle of the woods. There were 3 mw's that lived there, and all their kids were running around. There was a cool house with a huge deck in back with a kids wooden playhouse/treehouse there. There was also a hostel of sorts, as it was on a lake, and people kept coming in on canoes to rent rooms for the night.

I was talking to the mw, and her apprentice did this weird trance thing and said that she knew I was going to have a boy with blue eyes that is tall (hmm...sounds like Tom! LOL!).

The other weird thing is that Danielle dreamt about 6 years in the future - I had a 5 yo boy, a 2.5 yo boy and was pg. again. Yikes.

Gotta go wash Soren's hair.

These are the questions I got from my hb list for the mw:
How long has she been a midwife?

Where did she attain her training?

How many mothers has she delivered and how many were home births?

Does she work alone? with apprentices? other midwives?

What happens if she must transfer to the hospital? What is her transfer rate?

Would you stay with me in the hospital?

What are her views on episiotomy?

What is her fee. What does this include? When does it have to be paid?

Can you submit your charges to my insurance company?

What payment arrangements do you make?

Ask to be given their names and phone numbers as references.

Prenatal Care

If I am planning a home birth, do you come to my home any time before I go into labor?

How often will I see you? What do your checkups consist of?

What are your guidelines concerning weight gain, nutrition, prenatal vitamins, and exercise?

Do you have guidelines or restrictions about who can give birth at home?

What kind of equipment do you bring to a birth?

Are you permitted to administer any drugs during labor? How many people are allowed to be around?

Will you allow my partner to be as active at the birth as he desires?

Do you examine the baby after birth?

Do you give eyedrops or shots to the baby?

Do you issue a birth certificate?

Do you have a pediatrician you work with or recommend?

How do you feel about circumcision?

How often do you come to see me after I give birth?

The great white north

School was canceled today due to temps of -15F (with the windchill). It's supposed to be -35F tomorrow so I'm guessing there won't be school then either. It keeps snowing too. We got a couple of inches today and it's windy as hell, so it's blowing all over the place and drifting because it's so flat here.

Being me, I of course was out in it most of the day, doing errands, running around, working ;). We tried to go out to dinner and the mediterranean place we tried to go to was closed, I assume because of the weather; then we tried the Indian place, and it was only doing take-out because their heat was broken (!) so we went across the street to another mediterranean place, which IMO isn't as good as the first one (but don't tell Tom I said that ). Monroe Ave., btw, is "happening street" in Rochester. We also went to Aaron's Alley, which is owned by, well, Aaron, who incidentally is a friend of Tom's. We bought some patchouli incense for a friend of his who lives in Alaska and can't get it there.

So this snowy, icy, freezing, windy crap is starting to seem normal. I forget what it's like to drive 55 on dry roads almost. Tom went for a walk on the golf course next to our house tonight to enjoy the extreme elements, but it was apparently not as impressive as he expected. *I* would have thought it was ;). Plenty cold for this girl!

In other news, I've had no nausea for 2 or 3 days now. It's very strange. I thought it would get worse. Instead I just suddenly get ravenously hungry and must eat NOW because I'm shaky and get heat flashes. I hope my sugar isn't screwed up. I keep worrying about this pregnancy too. I'm sure everything is OK, but I'll feel much better once the first trimester is safetly gotten through. I guess the answer is that this is a boy, so of course everything will be different ;). I have a strong feeling about it actually, but I'll laugh if I have another girl. I don't care one way or the other actually, although a boy would be a bit different to deal with! (Maybe a boy wouldn't chatter nonstop? Who knows.)

Anyway, I'm going to go and crawl into my bed with Cold Mountain and snuggle up with my hubby. Hopefully school will be canceled again so we can sleep in and chill.

Testing the title bar

Hopefully it's working now!

I am *so* tired and I have a headache. I guess Tom and I had our first dip in the road last night and we were up till after 1 a.m. Nothing major I guess - he was anxious about telling me something, and because I knew that something wasn't right, I was imagining all sorts of horrible things that it could be. Now I'm just feeling hurt that he didn't trust me enough to tell me right away, and resentful that I got to spend three days imagining what it could be and feeling pretty rejected throughout the whole experience.

I'm sure I'll get perspective on it in a day or two.

My checking account is screwed up - when I set up email payments between my old account and my new account, I mistakenly put the wrong account number in for the receiving end. So a payment went out on 1/8, didn't make it in, and won't get returned to my old account until tomorrow or the next day, which means I have NO money in either account. I'm really afraid of bouncing a check dammit. Not to mention that I forgot to write something down, so now I have less money than I thought.

I really want to pull the kids out and homeschool them too, but I have to come up with the money for the curriculum I want to use, which is Oak Meadow mostly because they do the paperwork for the school district, which I don't want to have to deal with.

I'm going to a LLL meeting tonight, so I hope I meet some cool people. I'm just tired. Blah. And it's snowing and cold and I *have* to go to the grocery store. I guess I should go and get it over with!

Ugh, so much to do today! Changing my name on everything is a huge pain. Plus moving my banking to NY is also a huge pain.

I am having ramen noodles for bkfast - how healthy is that? I really need to get to the grocery store, the bank, fold laundry, work, etc. today! Our parking lot gestapo neighbor pounded on the door about 8 times while I was in the shower. That is getting old fast. I admire his intentions, but he's driving me nuts. Knocking once is adequate. Knocking more often is not going to make me get out of the shower faster, regardless of whether the plow truck is sitting there or not. Feh.

OK, food is ready. Off to run my butt off!

OK, thank god. My phone works again. I dried it w/ my hair dryer very carefully and then sat it in front of a heating vent until it dried. Why do things like this happen to me? Tom was apparently very worried as he kept trying to call and couldn't get ahold of me.

David also called and left a message. Our Family Intervention Crisis Services worker called me too, to let me know she had to redo the letter she is writing to the judge about visitation and also to express her concern that David hasn't seen his psychologist in quite a while. Well, he had insurance through December, so I'm not sure why he hasn't seen him for so long. When I asked him about it, he gave me his usual evasive answer of "I'm working on it." This does not make me happy in the slightest. I may consider not allowing overnights until he is seeing a therapist again. There is no way to get adequate feedback about his abilities from his psychiatrist, who barely sees him, and does no therapy. ::::silent scream:::

I get so tired of this.

Now that I'm *able* to take a nap, because everything is caught up, I can't sleep.

Also, the stupidest things happen to me. I went to the bathroom and when I pulled my pants down, my cell phone holster released and my cell phone fell in the toilet. Of course now it won't work at all. I'm hoping that once it dries out that it will be OK, because it cost $200 and I can't afford a new one. SHIT! I don't even have a land line.

I finally talked to Alice yesterday (the pregnant woman who is studying to be a CNM - she's not actually a midwife yet). She apparently has been very involved in the homebirth movement here in Rochester and has been a doula for 10 years. She's about 4 months pregnant. She gave me all the info I needed to get started! The name of a homebirth circle that meets monthly, 2 midwives and their numbers and what they're like and info about prenatal yoga! We're also going to each attend LLL meetings in the area and find the one that is most supportive of our parenting practices and start attending together. I can't wait to meet her in person!

She has apparently been very ill the first trimester of her pregnancy though, to the point of being on IVs, so she is just starting to get out and about again. Poor woman! Hopefully I don't get too sick.

I had a *horrible* dream about my mother last night. It was very odd, very true to life. I was in the present but Soren was still a baby, and my mom came to dinner and we got in a horrible argument and I ended up throwing her out of the house. She was doing her typical weird stuff that pisses me off and I just went over the edge. Then in my dream I ended up out in the back yard, sobbing and so regretful that things always end like that, which they do. :::sigh::: Must be the beginning of pregnancy dreams. I miss having a mom to talk to about such things, even though my mom has never been like that really.

I do at least feel like I'm able to parent more the way I want to now that life has slowed down a bit. I have much more time with the girls and I'm so much more relaxed when I'm with them (except when I'm trying to get them ready for school and they're bickering and stalling!). I'm enjoying them so much more and it shows in their behavior too - they're generally calmer and have a better sense of humor about everything. We're not all keyed up all the time anymore. What a blessing!

Anyway, I need to make a list of what i need to do today.
1. Setup online banking
2. Finish laundry
3. Pack for the weekend
4. Call Erica
5. Go to Danielle's and copy articles for clips to send to the Democrat & Chronicle with my resume
6. Clean my bedroom
7. Get a 2004 planner
8. Go to Zany Brainy's closeout sale and see if I can find stuff for Emma's bday

We'll see if I get all that accomplished. It seems unlikely, although I can do some of it after the girls get home from school. I still don't know if Tom is coming to PA with me or not. I think he wants to, but he also wants to work. I feel the same way. We need the $$, but I want to be with him.

OK, it's still freezing and still snowing ;). Yuck.

The good news is that one of Tom's clients wives is a midwife and is pregnant and is the key to my homebirth connection :). I am so excited and can't wait to talk to her. I'm a little worried about the hemorraghing that I had with Soren's birth. I definitely don't want a repeat. Hopefully I can increase my iron intake early on this time and not be so darn anemic.

Tom and I have been reading Sheila Kitzinger's Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth which is cool. I've forgotten so much stuff. Hard to believe it's been 6 years since I did this. Almost like the first time, but not quite.

We haven't been able to come up with ANY names that we are crazy about (I know, we have plenty of time, but it's fun to think about!), so suggestions are welcome. Boys names are the hardest. We don't want anything that's in the top 20 - they all seem pretty boring to me and many of them are bible names for some reason. Creativity gets points!

I told my boss today that I was pregnant. He didn't congratulate me ;). Well, too bad. I'm allowed to do things with my life, and if things go well, I can keep working just as much and bring the baby with me lots of the time. Which is really the only acceptable option.

I also gave away all my Motherease diapers, and I don't know if I can afford to replace them, but I *loved* them. Does anyone have any ideas for alternatives that are good, or have cloth dipes and wraps that they are done using? They don't have to be Motherease - I've used all sorts of things with Emma and Soren.

Also, I can't find my sling. Must Find Sling. I am sure I've seen it recently but I haven't used it in ages. I wonder where it is?

So many things to think of :::sigh:::

BRRRRR! It's 15F this morning and supposed to drop down to 0F tonight. We got a foot of snow last night and it's still snowing. No delays though. They sure know how to plow the roads here in NY!

The girls were so cute, all bundled up in their boots and coats and scarves and such. I got them new gloves that are waterproof and super warm from Galyan's for Solstice, so hopefully their little fingers will stay warm!

I was SO exhausted last night. Four hours of coaching just killed me. I have 5 hours at the gym to get through today and then I'm done for the week, thank goodness! I found out that the Democrat & Chronicle is hiring, so I have to go to Danielle's tomorrow and unearth all my articles and copy them. I also have a ton of filing to do for her. Then we're back to PA for the weekend. (If the weather holds up!)

Not much else going on, other than that I've discovered that my queasy time of day is in the evening when I have to work. From about 2 p.m. on, all I want to do is sleep. Unfortunately, 3:30 p.m. forward is my busiest time of day! I need to try to nap from 2 to 3 I guess.

Gotta fly, work at 10 a.m.

Tom told me something funny tonight. He apparently was with Emma last night and was talking about his friend Lou and how he takes karate. Emma wanted to know if he knew any " fight" stories and he explained more about karate and how the more you know, hopefully the less you have to fight.

Apparently, Emma, queen of the obvious, said "You'd have to be real stupid to fuck with a guy like Lou!" :-O

I mean, it's true and all, he's a big guy, but holy cow! LOL! Tom didn't say anything. He was stunned I think and rather bemused, as am I. What a kid, geez.

Anyway, got back to work today. I spent the whole time printing out more stuff. Argh! I think I finally have all the staff folders done - it's a nightmare. I spent a lot of time talking to the boy's team coach, who went to Penn State and was on the men's team there. He knows my friend Sue, whose dh is now the men's coach at PSU. Pretty cool! He also apparently coached at Nittany Gymnastics, the gym I worked at in State College, and worked out there when he was in college in the early 80's.

I came home and had delicious Cream Cheese Crockpot Chicken with rice for dinner. It was soooo yummy. Everyone even liked it, and for some reason it was extra good.

I went and got my NY drivers licence today, so I guess I"m officially a new yorker now. scary. I also don't use capital letter apparently ;).

Well, I'm still not sleeping well. I went to bed with Soren around 9 p.m. last night but tossed and turned. Maybe I'm not drinking *enough* caffeine, since I'm trying to cut back now. I'm so glad I quit smoking at Thanksgiving now!

I'm going to the bank today to get my name on Tom's account. It's killing us to have my account be out of state, because it takes so long for checks to clear. Not to mention that my child support still isn't in, I guess because of the holiday. I haven't been so broke in ages. I'm really missing full time work. I applied for a work at home job doing editing, so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

It's darn cold here. Supposed to get down to 2F by the end of the week. I *hate* the cold! Brrrrrrr. I can't wait until spring!

Nothing else much going on here. I have to work today, tomorrow and Thursday at the gym. I guess I'll be OK teaching through this session and the next, but then I'll have to see.

::::boggle:::: still haven't taken it all in.

Oh. My. God. I'm pregnant. Not like it's this huge surprise or something. I don't know what else I expected, what with all this pre and post-newlywed sex ;), but I just feel so weird. I feel so internal, although that's not the right word for it.

I feel like I'm inside myself, just very inward, quiet, and waiting. Like the world doesnt interest me. I've felt like that for a couple of days now, and guess I knew before the pregnancy test came up positive tonight. I wish that I had been able to announce it to Tom in a cooler way, but I was so shocked, I just walked up to him with the test and said "I have something for you." Of course, being a childless guy, he had no idea what it was LOL.

I am a little disappointed I guess. He said he's thrilled, happy, etc. and I know in my heart that he is, but I feel so, well, there it is, internal that I'm not sure what I expected. I know he wants kids, and I know I want a child of his, but my brain just won't turn off.

It goes from
1. Oh. My. God.
2. I am going to have to push another baby out of my vagina. Oh. My God.
3. I want a homebirth. Must find midwife immediately.
4. I know my iron sucks, so I must get vitamins tomorrow at Wegmans.
5. Oh, and I need 100 grams of protein a day. Better get some protein powder and bananas and turkey.
6. Why isn't he awake, making love to me and making me feel beautiful? How can he possibly have fallen asleep? I feel like I'll never sleep again.
7. Must find attachment parenting groups.
8. Why must Rochester be so fucking conservative?
9. Why hasn't that LLL leader emailed me back with information about where the group meets. For god's sake, I'm going to be breastfeeding again, and I *just* weaned Soren.
10. Oh. My. God.
11. I haven't been eating enough fruits and vegetables. I hope I haven't got a folic acid deficiency. Must eat greens. Now.
12. Why couldn't we live in Ithaca, where people are cooler? I know I'm being closeminded here, but homebirth in NY seems harder than in PA.
13. I wonder if we'll be able to build a house to birth in prior to the fall equinox? Because of course, that is the due date.
14. Why can't I just fall asleep?

I'm terrified and exhilarated, but it all seems subdued somehow. Just Internal. And I'm sad. My mother hasn't even responded to the fact that I'm married and she doesn't really even seem to miss my kids that much, so who can I share this good news with? I mean, I have IRL people to share it with, but I want my mom.

And why am I so goddamned awake? I am going to be so exhausted tomorrow when I have to get the kids to school. And I already feel queasy. I've got that metallic taste in my mouth. It has to be psychosomatic though. Although there are other signs. My hands and feet are swollen. I'm constipated. I'm calm. Way too fucking calm. Heh.

I'm hungry too. And lonely. I am like, my god, I fell in love, packed up all my stuff, moved to upstate NY, finalized my divorce, got married and got pregnant in a span of four months. My head is spinning a bit. I know it will all be OK. Everything is right, but my left brain is going. whoa, hold on here, where are the reins. Somebody rein this woman in. She was very solid and predictable for 15 years and all of a sudden she's freaking out and doing all sorts of crazy shit. It feels wonderful and happy and cool, but at the same time, whoa. Scary and free. That's what it is. I'm operating outside the boundaries of what I thought was my stable life, which really wasn't and I've felt wonderful since I broke free of it, but geez.

Heh. Guess I'm officially a loon ;). Pregnancy brain sets in already. I want to go back to the cabin by myself, sit in front of the fire and eat and read and think and not have to focus on anything except growing this baby right now. Isn't that weird? It's that internal thing again. Must focus. Must expand my focus to include the world around me again. Soon.

Well, congrats to me. And Tom too. He is already a wonderful father. I know that he will be over the moon as my body swells. I can already feel his hands on my tummy, feeling the baby move and see him smile fit to split his face open. I can imagine our family at our birth, the girls and Tom and the midwife, and how much love there will be. I want Michelle there. I already know that. See, my brain wont' turn off. I guess as a writer, I figure if I write it down it will give me some peace and I can go to sleep.

Hah.

I couldn't even stay up till midnight for New Years. Now sleep is as elusive as ever. Maybe it's partially the howling wind outside. It's supposed to snow and it's blowing like mad out there. I wish I could go by the lake but Tom would freak if he woke up and found me gone. I feel like I need the wind in my face though and the silence. I'd be afraid though, here in the city, to be by myself there. That's sad. One more reason to get out of the city and back to the woods where I feel safe. I'm not afraid of the animals.

OK, really, enough blathering. Must try to sleep. :::sigh:::

Just got back from the property. We walked a perimeter of land that Lou is considering selling and that we want to buy, with Danielle and Mike helping out if necessary. It is just amazing.

The time with Lou went really well I think. He and Tom were busy winterizing Tom's motor home all day today, so I hung out with the kids, Bernie (Lou's sister) and Michelle B., a friend of Lou's who lives in Niagara Falls. Michelle & Bernie took a nap this afternoon and the kids and I played games, read, and hung out. We went for quite a long walk in the morning, which wiped the kids out, but they didn't sleep until we were in the car around 5:30 p.m.

It was very relaxing and good to put my new warm clothes on and see how well they worked out. They worked out great. My new boots, with two pairs of socks - one wool, one fleece - kept my feet toasty warm. I really need to get a decent pair of long underwear for my legs though. We tromped through all kinds of mud and muck and water and Soren and I stayed quite dry and cozy in our waterproof boots, mine LaCrosse and hers Lands End.

I kind of figured out the woodstove, although it took Tom fixing it to get it good and cozy in the cabin and that's when everyone else fell asleep ;). The girls started to drive me nuts with their bickering. They are so bad about it right now. they just keep egging each other on and even though I try to get them to work it out, they keep at each other until I want to kill both of them.

Soren does this horrific repetition thing - whether she's saying something she wants or singing, she repeats it about 60 times until Emma and I are about ready to freak - and nothing stops her. I don't know what to do.

Tomorrow we're back to school and work. After being at the cabin for the weekend, I just want to go back to the woods, homeschool and write. The *last* thing I want to do is be back in the city :::sigh:::. Oh well. My job isn't horrible, just tedious.

New Years came and went. We had Mike, Danielle and the twins over for the night, and drank so much wine that I fell asleep at about 11:40 p.m. and don't remember anything after that ;). I made those little hot dog things in the crockpot, had melted brie, 4 different kinds of crackers, a ton of leftover xmas cookies, salsa and blue cornchips and small pita bread with roasted red pepper hummus. Did I mention wine? And Ommegang beer, yummy! It all went rather well I think.

I made the traditional Pennsylvania Dutch New Year's pork and sauerkraut, but I found out that my oven doesn't heat evenly and half the roast was very pink, although it had been cooked for over 3 hours. Everyone (I took it to Tom's parents, and his brother, his girlfriend, and Tom's mom's best friend were there) was very gracious though. We made spaetzle out of a box, which I didn't even know existed, and it was quite yummy. Mrs. Hall Sr. made a vegetable casserole too.

The kids were well behaved even! I worked for about 4 hours at home yesterday, trying to get ready for the first session of the new year at the gym. I'm still not done :::sigh::::. We're going to the property near Keuka Lake tomorrow and I can't wait! I haven't officially really met Lou (Tom's best friend) yet, and I'm rather nervous about making a good impression. He just moved back from a short sting in Vegas, and I think it rather dubious about me. I hope it goes well! His sister Bernie, who I absolutely think is one of the coolest people on earth, will be there too, and the girls adore her too, so that will be wonderful.

Lou is thinking about selling part of his property and we may work something out to purchase it so we can build a house there. God, I would live at Lou's property until then with the girls if he would only hook up the water ;).

Anyway, I'm making roasted and stuffed cornish hens for the first time ever, along with a salad. Say a little prayer that they turn out OK. I don't want Tom to think I can't cook anything, after the pork roast debacle. After that, I have to get back to work, which sucks, because I just got a new Games magazine and I want to sit down and do puzzles!