Oh. My. God. I'm pregnant. Not like it's this huge surprise or something. I don't know what else I expected, what with all this pre and post-newlywed sex ;), but I just feel so weird. I feel so internal, although that's not the right word for it.

I feel like I'm inside myself, just very inward, quiet, and waiting. Like the world doesnt interest me. I've felt like that for a couple of days now, and guess I knew before the pregnancy test came up positive tonight. I wish that I had been able to announce it to Tom in a cooler way, but I was so shocked, I just walked up to him with the test and said "I have something for you." Of course, being a childless guy, he had no idea what it was LOL.

I am a little disappointed I guess. He said he's thrilled, happy, etc. and I know in my heart that he is, but I feel so, well, there it is, internal that I'm not sure what I expected. I know he wants kids, and I know I want a child of his, but my brain just won't turn off.

It goes from
1. Oh. My. God.
2. I am going to have to push another baby out of my vagina. Oh. My God.
3. I want a homebirth. Must find midwife immediately.
4. I know my iron sucks, so I must get vitamins tomorrow at Wegmans.
5. Oh, and I need 100 grams of protein a day. Better get some protein powder and bananas and turkey.
6. Why isn't he awake, making love to me and making me feel beautiful? How can he possibly have fallen asleep? I feel like I'll never sleep again.
7. Must find attachment parenting groups.
8. Why must Rochester be so fucking conservative?
9. Why hasn't that LLL leader emailed me back with information about where the group meets. For god's sake, I'm going to be breastfeeding again, and I *just* weaned Soren.
10. Oh. My. God.
11. I haven't been eating enough fruits and vegetables. I hope I haven't got a folic acid deficiency. Must eat greens. Now.
12. Why couldn't we live in Ithaca, where people are cooler? I know I'm being closeminded here, but homebirth in NY seems harder than in PA.
13. I wonder if we'll be able to build a house to birth in prior to the fall equinox? Because of course, that is the due date.
14. Why can't I just fall asleep?

I'm terrified and exhilarated, but it all seems subdued somehow. Just Internal. And I'm sad. My mother hasn't even responded to the fact that I'm married and she doesn't really even seem to miss my kids that much, so who can I share this good news with? I mean, I have IRL people to share it with, but I want my mom.

And why am I so goddamned awake? I am going to be so exhausted tomorrow when I have to get the kids to school. And I already feel queasy. I've got that metallic taste in my mouth. It has to be psychosomatic though. Although there are other signs. My hands and feet are swollen. I'm constipated. I'm calm. Way too fucking calm. Heh.

I'm hungry too. And lonely. I am like, my god, I fell in love, packed up all my stuff, moved to upstate NY, finalized my divorce, got married and got pregnant in a span of four months. My head is spinning a bit. I know it will all be OK. Everything is right, but my left brain is going. whoa, hold on here, where are the reins. Somebody rein this woman in. She was very solid and predictable for 15 years and all of a sudden she's freaking out and doing all sorts of crazy shit. It feels wonderful and happy and cool, but at the same time, whoa. Scary and free. That's what it is. I'm operating outside the boundaries of what I thought was my stable life, which really wasn't and I've felt wonderful since I broke free of it, but geez.

Heh. Guess I'm officially a loon ;). Pregnancy brain sets in already. I want to go back to the cabin by myself, sit in front of the fire and eat and read and think and not have to focus on anything except growing this baby right now. Isn't that weird? It's that internal thing again. Must focus. Must expand my focus to include the world around me again. Soon.

Well, congrats to me. And Tom too. He is already a wonderful father. I know that he will be over the moon as my body swells. I can already feel his hands on my tummy, feeling the baby move and see him smile fit to split his face open. I can imagine our family at our birth, the girls and Tom and the midwife, and how much love there will be. I want Michelle there. I already know that. See, my brain wont' turn off. I guess as a writer, I figure if I write it down it will give me some peace and I can go to sleep.

Hah.

I couldn't even stay up till midnight for New Years. Now sleep is as elusive as ever. Maybe it's partially the howling wind outside. It's supposed to snow and it's blowing like mad out there. I wish I could go by the lake but Tom would freak if he woke up and found me gone. I feel like I need the wind in my face though and the silence. I'd be afraid though, here in the city, to be by myself there. That's sad. One more reason to get out of the city and back to the woods where I feel safe. I'm not afraid of the animals.

OK, really, enough blathering. Must try to sleep. :::sigh:::