Advent Calendars

Check out Jennifer's blog for a great list of online advent calendars. My kids live for these (well, the child friendly ones anyway!).

Also, I heard a great song on the college station today, by Fountains of Wayne Check it out!

Falling Apart

My body is really pissing me off. My back *still* hurts and the chiro appt did nothing for it. Now, the bottom of the joint of my left big toe is killing me. I'm sure I have a bone spur again, in the same spot that I had surgery on before and I do *not* want to have surgery again, but I can't go on like this for long.

I had the surgery when Emma was 5 mo. old and being on crutches with a new baby is hell. I don't know how I'd do it w/ 3 kids. Thankfully I don't need that foot to drive, but geez. I guess I'd have to have Emma use the stroller a lot with Jude or something. It feels worse than the first time, which worries me, because the surgery ended up being more invasive than they thought it would be, and I came out of it with nerve damage that has given me shooting pains and numbness in my foot for 8 years now.

Damn. Also, I still have a sore spot in my left thigh, which my midwife thought was from the pitocin injection, but come on...11 weeks later it still hurts? My left side is falling apart! I'm also in a bit of denial, but I think the lump I had under my left armpit, that appeared right before I had Jude, is growing larger. Feh.

Thankfully the right side of my body is behaving itself so far.

Soren had a lovely birthday celebration at LCG today. The walked her around the circle 6 songs, singing to her, and then I shared memories of each of her years, which was a stretch, since most of her life feels like a blur and it's hard to call up specific memories. Actually, I have virtually no memory at all of her first year of life and from the time when her dad left to about 2 years later is pretty much a blank too. Just surviving and all that. I wish I still had my blog from that period. I erased it in a fit of pique and had a backup on my hard drive, but the twins did something to my computer last year and many of my old documents got deleted.

I'm full of joy today, no? Let's see, oh yeah ;). The girls and I started a gingerbread house today and it will *not* stay together. We were hysterical with laughter because it keeps falling apart!

Thankfully, Tom made a VAT of turkey soup last night, so dinner is already done. Yay, no cooking for me today. I can spend another hour screwing around with the damn gingerbread house!

I spent way too much energy this morning carping at the girls about the state of the house. Why can't I just clean up after them? It would take less time and I wouldn't feel like critical nagging bitch by noon. But where is the personal responsibility in that? Perhaps they're too young for that crap ;). I mean really, Jude should really be changing his own diapers by now, right?

Augh. I better go do something. I have to leave to pick up the girls soon and I don't even feel like I had a break. Plus I have to bring the diapers up from the laundry. My goal was to organize my file cabinet today. Hah! I haven't even touched a piece of paper back in the accursed corner where everything is stacked. How does one family accumulate so much crap?

Which reminds me, we have to get a tree so we can put all the Solstice stuff up that is sitting in the dining room! Ya'll know how much I love clutter, right?

Mondays

The girls got home from PA last night. I missed them a lot!

They had a nice visit. Soren got sculpey clay, a wonderful art set with colored pencils and paints in a blue case and very expensive 14k gold earrings with her birthstone!

Their computer is fixed now too, so I need to get that set up today, in addition to going to the bank and such.

I went to the company holiday party yesterday, which was fun. Got to hang out with some of the girls' families that Emma's on team with and my coworkers. The food was decent too.

Jude is getting to the point where he is a bit more directive with his hands and almost grabbed a glass off of my desk yesterday! I need to watch out for him ;). He's also laughing now, although still no big belly laugh. The girls are so happy to be home and cuddling him again.

Karen reminded me about my dad with her Mormons post. The LDS missionaries apparently came to the assisted living facility where my dad lives and talked to him. They eventually talked him into attending a service or two and the next thing I knew, he was being baptized as a Mormon! Now they want him to be an elder ;). I find it immensely amusing. They must be pretty desperate if they have to convert a 76 yo man who is senile and doesn't really understand what he's doing!

Tom is feeling very worried about his health. I have encouraged him to make an appointment with a different kind of specialist that our family doctor referred him to. He was going to wait until his initial testing was done at the end of December, but I'd rather he move ahead. We have Jude's 2 mo checkup on wednesday and Tom is going along to talk to our doctor at the same time so hopefully she will also encourage him to pursue all avenues.

His dad is maintaining. He might move into a nursing home this week. I hope so! It would be a relief not to have to drive his mom to the hospital every night. It's getting hard to get things done around here w/o Tom's help, and he doesn't have *any* nights at home just to hang out with us.

I just out of the blue told Emma that I am going to start writing again, so I guess it's time ;). I will have to try to carve some time out for myself in which to do that. Maybe on Tuesdays while the girls are at LCG. I would have to force myself not to do chores during that time ;).

Anyway, back to the grind!

Sue, Serves the b*stard right, LOL! They didn't really cause any damage, but I also found out now that my headset for my cell phone is missing and my *paycheck* that I didn't have time to cash :*(. I had to call my boss and have him stop payment and can't get it replaced until Monday. Argh! That means that I definitely hit overdraft xmas shopping this weekend but it was the only chance I had to go out w/o the girls and get things that I didn't want to pay shipping on. Damn.

Oh and...

I'm grateful that the person that broke into my car last night only stole some CDs and not my stereo or my favorite coat :-/

Thankful

First of all, thanks for all the comments on my life vent. It felt good just to get it out of my head. And thanks for telling me I'm not frumpy ;). I think it's definitely hormonal - like when you have PMS and you can't find anything to wear and your fact breaks out, and you want to crawl out of your skin? That's how I feel. Ick!

And I know Tom is under a tremendous amount of pressure. We both work opposite shifts and I feel like we don't see each other enough right now (ever!) and so I guess I have too much time to worry.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have found love. To have a husband who loves his non-biological kids as much as his biological kid. Who is an amazing dad.

I'm thankful for my beautiful and talented daughters, who have such vibrant personalities and are capable and intelligent little women. I am grateful for their snuggles, their stories, their songs, their teasing, and most of all, the gift of their love.

I am grateful for my beautiful baby boy (and very grateful not to be pregnant anymore!). He is chubby and gorgeous with deep blue, nearly violet eyes and a smile that breaks my heart. I am sure I am going to spoil him to death :). I am grateful to have a chance to breastfeed again, to sling another baby, to snuggle at night with that sweet baby smell.

I am grateful to have a job where I can be with my kids in a fun, healthy and wholesome environment. To have a boss who respects my parenting choices and supports them; who cares as much about me as a person as an employee.

I am thankful to have a good relationship with my ex-husband now, and that we work together to be the best parents we can be to our children.

I'm grateful for wonderful friends who give everything of themselves - time, love, money, everything. Especially to Danielle, Karen and Erica. You ladies are my life and keep me going. I am thankful for all my girlfriends - I have such an amazing crew of ladies in my life! Alyce, Jenny, Krista, Vicky, Kim, Patty, Audrey, Lauren, Danielle Mn., Lynn. You have made my move here a wonderful thing!

And I'm grateful to have enough food, shelter and clothing. And to live in a country where my kids are pretty darn safe (although my government makes life unsafe for other kids). A mixed blessing to be sure.

I'm thankful for the Internet! And Brooklyn Brown Ale, and chips and dip and fuzzy blankets and hugs and memories and love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Baby smiles

You know, everything else seemns so trivial when Jude gives me a huge milky grin while trying to nurse at the same time :)

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

Baby blues

It's crazy. I was feeling really pretty good for a couple of weeks - physically and mentally, but I seem to be sliding into some sort of depression. I can't tell if it's hormonal, but I do know that I have a list of complaints about my life, none of which can really be remedied. But, what the hell, if I can't vent here, where can I vent? Feel free to just skip, because some of it is TMI and some of it is boring, but I need to vent and this is my space, so deal with it!

I feel like I can't keep up. It's a losing battle to keep up with the dishes (my dishwasher died right after Jude was born) and the laundry. I'm ready to start using disposables for awhile just to give myself a break, although that leads to another ongoing vent, that of having no money, so I can't really justify buying diapers when I can use the ones I have over and over again. I mean, Danielle and Mike haven't even given us the gas, electric or water bill since we moved here in August, and I know they're paying them, but I don't know where I'd come up with the money if they DID give them to me. I hate getting handouts like this. Tom's job just doesn't pay enough and he hates it anyway, which makes me feel awful.

So then I get into this thing that he can't possibly be happy and that I have to be dragging him down. I mean, here he is, saddled with a family, 2/3 of which aren't his, and he has to work at a job he hates so that we have insurance, but that doesn't pay enough to cover the bills, let alone extras, and my job doesn't help enough either. And even if I did work full time and put the kids in school/daycare, which I never would do to Jude, it would cost too much for childcare to make it worthwhile.

And while I"m on the subject of family, my daughters are driving me nuts. I feel like I might as well not even bother opening my mouth, because the don't listen to a damn thing I say anyway. I feel like I'm constantly having to nag and harp on them just to get them to do a minimum amount of contribution to helping around here - and that includes just their daily hygeine for God's sake. I'm so sick of it. And half the time they don't do it anyway and just ignore me. And on Emma's part it's more of an absent minded goodnatured kind of thing, not like she's trying to push my buttons usually. On Soren's part, it's a kicking and screaming, fuck you, I'm not doing that kind of thing which makes me want to duct tape her to the wall ;).

And then throw in a new baby that needs constant feeding and changing and holding (none of which I mind, but if he were the ONLY one, it would be manageable). I haven't seen any of my friends in almost 2 weeks and am going stircrazy.

Oh, and back to Tom...I mean I don't *really* think that he doesn't want to be here, but since about the last trimester of my pregnancy, he has been affectionate and loving, but it doesn't seem like he's *attracted* to me at all, and I'm getting a huge complex about it. Every day I shave my legs and my pits and think, "Ok, maybe tonight he'll think I'm attractive and want to do something besides fall asleep in a pile of kids," but nope, doesn't happen. And I did talk to him about it way back when I was about 7 months pregnant and at the time I thought it was just a pregnancy thing and I thought, "Hey, I can live with that," but it's dragged on now. And I have hangups about being a nag about it or even initiating anything, because of David and his weirdness about sex, and I *told* Tom that and that I wasn't going to bring it up again (after about the 3rd time) and so I'm not. I know I still need to lose about 15 pounds, but I don't think it's that either, or he says it's not, so I don't know what it is. But it makes me cry almost every day.

And now, back to family. I don't want my kids to not have turkey and the trimmings and we were supposed to have all these people come and spend the holiday with us and now NObody is coming! My BIL (who is being an ass anyway) and his fiancee were supposed to come but they bailed today, because now she's cooking dinner for HER kids (who were supposed to have dinner with them on Saturday), and Tom's mom is only coming for a little while so she can spend the day at the hospital, and our friend Bernie was going to come, but now she's not because her mom is sick and so it's just us. A 22 pound turkey and us. Egads. I already hate the holidays and all the baggage I carry around about them and now I just feel abandoned.

And we just don't have normal days with my schedule and trying to fit visits to the hospital in. I'm letting Tom go up tonight w/o us because I just need a night AT HOME and I feel guilty about it.

And I'm worried about this stuff with Jude and his UTI and Tom, and I'm hurt because Tom didn't even tell me about it for a month, but told our friend Bernie and now has asked her to take him to the appointment and not me.

And I found a white hair when I showered this morning. And I do mean WHITE.

So I feel old and frumpy and matronly and fat and lonely and depressed and I hate the holidays and I feel like I"m just sliding further and further behind and not doing anything well - not a good wife, mom, educator and I'm being given slack at work b/c of the baby, so I don't feel like I'm earning my keep very well there either.

I should be in a Jackie Collins book - fat, frumpy, horny old housewife ;). I want to feel like ME. Maybe it's just too much mommy time and not enough me time. But what would I do with myself if I had time? I'd probably just sleep more :::sigh::

"This too shall pass." I realize that. I say affirmations every day. Fake it till you make it and all that.

Oh, and I'm stressed about David moving here and dealing with more upheaval. Is that enough. OK, /vent off. It doesn't make me feel better to see it all in print. It's just overwhelming. And it's mostly all in my head anyway, nothing I shouldn't be able to deal with.

I've got lots of positives in my life and everything to be happy about. Some other day I guess.

Doctor appt.

Tom saw the doctor yesterday and they reassured him that he's not going to die tomorrow, but they definitely want more testing ASAP, which in medical-speak means in a month, right before Christmas. Couldn't pick a worse day, of course!

Hopefully we'll have more answers then. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. The doctor gave him some medication to hopefully ease his pain too.

Jude is drooling all over the place and has a snotty nose again. What is UP with this congestion? The damn cat has fleas again too. Argh! I'm ready to kill him. I have about 8 flea bites and it's driving me batty.

Jude seems the lab for his u/s today. I want to go to the library before that so I have something to read while the girls are away this weekend.

Thanks..

for the birthday wishes! Soren had a wonderful weekend. Sue, isn't that crazy? Looking back, I really think her birth was the best, but most intense of the 3. She's still my most intense child, too. Came into the world slapdash and howling and is still jumping into life full speed ahead every day :). Good for her, I say!

As for Tom, he sees a specialist today. Yes, Annalise, we've definitely been through the uber-testing thing! I do know Tom though, and he never sees the doctor unless he's truly in pain or very very ill. I had to force him to go a couple of months ago when he was waking twice nightly with bad asthma and hitting the inhaler during the day too. I hope that it just ends up being something goofy and simple, but I just don't know. I am really worried.

And thanks for the reassuring thoughts about Jude's sleep habits! I'll just enjoy the sleep while it lasts! Soren stopped napping at 18 months and always fought sleep from about 2 weeks on ;). She sleeps OK now though, and loves to cuddle up at night and snooze away all cuddled up next to us!

Emma still doesn't sleep enough IMO. But she is a night owl and likes to stay up reading. She had a hard time wth Soren's bday this weekend and was emotionally exhausted by last night though. She was asleep by 10, which is unusual for her. She also lost another tooth on top and has one missing on the bottom, so she looks like a jack-o-lantern ;). She has another very loose one on the bottom and the adult tooth is coming in behind it. She's now lost 6 teeth total I think and has at least 2 loose ones. Funny girl.

I do think that Jude is teething. He's drooly and wants to chew on my hand constantly. I need to go find one of those squishy teethers that you can put in the fridge to get cold. He's laying here on my lap wrapped in a blanket and thinking he's nursing in his sleep! I love when they do that sucking thing while they're dreaming. so cute!

Happy Birthday Soren!!

A day late, a dollar short, but I ran out of computer time. We spent the day at the townhouse because Tom was on call. We went out to dinner at Bugaboo Creek, which is a wonderful, kid-friendly steakhouse that Soren loves. We had a really good time there.

I got Soren a kid Maya Wrap, some percussion instruments at a fair trade shop, a dream catcher, an Amy Brown diva fairy, some glitter fairy stickers, and her dad got her an Illustory and an Aquadoodle. I picked out a dress for her for my MIL which she loved and wore today for her bday party.

We had the party here at the house and invited 6 friends, 5 of whom showed up. She got some lovely presents. We had a Harry Potter theme and had a ribbon pinata and I made a cake with a wizard hat on it. I know we'll look at the pictures of that cake in a few years and wonder what the hell it was supposed to be ;).

We made golden snitches with craft foam and magnets, which the kids got to take home.

I can't believe my baby is 6. She is getting so tall and beautiful. I wish that she took life a little less intensely, but she is who she is and she's wonderful. She's a wonderful artist, musical, has a great memory, is charming and smart, and I love her to death! Happy birthday my beautiful Soren fairy girl!

stuff and sundry

::whew:: OK! Neither of my girls slept anywhere NEAR this much, so I wasn't sure :). I'll just enjoy my calm and mellow baby! Thanks for the feedback.

Kind of a down day. It's been gray and rainy. I was really homesick this time of year last year, so I'm trying not to get back into that feeling.

We saw tom's dad tonight and he is getting so thin and frail :(. It's so sad to watch him waste away.

I'm very worried about Tom. He has bronchitis, but when he saw the doctor they scheduled him for some tests - he's apparently been having some health issues he hadn't shared with me that are quite worrisome. I don't want to go into detail here, but good thoughts are welcome. I have always been afraid that I met the man of my life and that I would lose him - I really am *that* worried, but hope it's something trivial. I like having been worried for nothing!

Jude is cranky today, which is unlike him. I am really starting to think that he's teething. I need to pick up some teething tablets at the HFS.

Soren is SO excited about her bday tomorrow. She attended her first ballet class today and LOVED it. I got to see the end of class and she was picking everything up so quickly - I think she'll be a natural :)

Fussy baby

I've been having a hard time blogging lately.

Let's see...

My doc finally got ahold of the urologist. He felt that the catherization could have been contaminated b/c of Jude being uncircumcised and that the e.coli could have been on the inside of the foreskin, since it can't be retracted and sterilized right now. That sounds weird to me?

Our doctor said she was kind of bummed she had hurried to prescribe abx again, given that information, but they want Jude to have an ultrasound of his kidneys on Tuesday to rule out anything, in case it was another UTI. The VCUG looked fine though. Frustrating to some degree, hopefully a lot of hoopla about nothing.

My other concern is that Jude sleeps a LOT. What is average for babies 2 mo? mY girls didn't sleep much so I don't have much to compare to. I would say he easily sleeps 16-20 out of 24 hours on a given day. Most of his awake time is in small anti-catnaps ;). He's bright and cheerful for the most part when he's awake though, except when I touch the computer, hence the title ;).

Happiest of birthdays to Catherine of Karen - better late than never - I owe you an email and a phone call. I hope you got the box I sent a couple of weeks ago!

Soren will be 6 on Saturday! She has been counting down the days. Look for some sort of remembrance blog next week in honor of the red headed devil, as Emma calls her. Speaking of the devil , she is actually at a playdate without me! It helped that I hung out for a couple hours and she's been there before. She's been freaking about being away from me at all since Jude was born, so this was a huge breakthrough.

I don't have the money, but she's been begging to go to ballet for about 2 yrs now, so I am signing her up for a session to see how it goes. She is *thrilled.* I also got her a dreamcatcher, worry dolls, a diva fairy (by Amy Brown), a journal, and a used leotard.

I have to pick hjer up in an hour so we can go to the gym.

Tom is terribly sick with a sinus thing, his dad is still in the hospital - no major change one way or the other, his mom has been sick for over a week, and Emma had a nasty cold for a couple of days too! ::::spraying Lysol everywhere::::

I'm trying to reread the Unschooling Handbook and figure out where I want my hsing philosophy to lay. It's tough. Emma started archery class this week as part of a hs program and loves it!

That's about it. I need to update the girls' hsing blog before the baby freaks!

Gymnastics

The days just fly by! We have been busy with friends, music class and playdates. Yesterday Emma had her first competitive gymnastics meet at Bright Raven here in Rochester. There were about 75 girls. She placed 3rd on bars in her age division (9 yo's). She would have placed for States if it had been a state qualifier.

She got 8.5 on bars, 8.4 on floor, 6 on beam and 6.4 on vault. It was too bad about vault - she usually has a beautiful vault, but it was new equipment and the first event. I probably would have run the other way! On beam, she fell off her dismount, but the rest of her routine was gorgeous :). I'm so proud of her. Even after her falls, she still turned and smiled for the judges. We got some pictures of her and Tom video taped the whole thing. I'm anxious to see it with Emma.

David and his dad were here for the weekend and took the girls to a book sale at MCC and to Strong Museum.

Today we're going to recuperate from yesterday and stay home until we have to go to the gym. I teach tonight.

David is planning on trying to move to Rochester in March. He asked me to go from every other weekend of visitation to essentially half custody! Eeek. I sent him back an email suggesting that we keep every other weekend and then do 2 evenings a week (or 2 days, since Emma has gymnastics almost every night). I haven't heard back from him about it. What do divorced people do that live in the same town?

When we were both living in State College, he was too ill to really care for them and went for periods without seeing them much at all. I want him to see them a lot, but I also think that they need a home base and I think they are better off being with Tom and the majority of the time - it's stable and has routines and I am involved with all of their activities to an extent that I'm not sure David can keep up with over time.

He has agreed to continue to give me limited access to his mental health providers though, which is really necessary for me to feel comfortable with extended visitation.

Anyway, I'd appreciate thoughts about this - I'm really at a loss about how to be fair, w/o upending the girls' routines and lifestyle and yet give David more access to them. Tom is not looking forward to giving up more time with them. He really loves them and sees them very little himself, what with his work schedule and then the fact that they go to work with me in the evenings. Le Sigh.

meme

I stole this from Dawn, who has seen it before, but I haven't and thought it was interesting and time wasting, so I went for it!

Type each letter of the alphabet into your address bar and see what URL auto-completes, then share it.

A - http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000315/tips/18.html

B - http://www.balloonhq.com/

C - http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store.aspx?s=perinatal

D - http://daddyzine.typepad.com/daddy_zine/2004/10/this_tutorial_w.html

E - http://www.ebay.com/

F - http://www.fark.com/

G - http://www.gap.com/asp/Product.asp?wdid=201095&wpid=249377

H - http://www.hannaandersson.com/aboutHanna.asp?

I - http://www.ildiko.blogspot.com/

J - http://jas.familyfun.go.com/crafts?page=CraftDisplay&craftid=10684

K - http://kasaka.blogspot.com/

L - http://www.lamppostpublishing.com/

M - http://www.mamakangaroo.com/fabwrap.htm

N - http://naturalmath.com/mult/index.html

O - http://o-scientist.blogspot.com/

P - http://www.patriotactus.com/patriotact/Comments,%20Contact%20Us.htm

Q - http://www.quartknee.com/events/02/02_pride/02_pride_parade.htm

R - http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsPackageArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=601672§ion=news

S - http://sandramort.livejournal.com/

T - http://talkshows.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=talkshows&zu=http://www.uni-television.com/maury/index.html

U - http://www.utterchaos.blogspot.com/

V - http://vetmeddirect.com/Flea-Tick-Spot-Ons-Advantage.php

W - http://www.waldorfworld.net/Waldorf/Homeschooling/

X - http://www.xpbargains.com/st_deals.php/Birthday_Express_coupons.htm

Y - http://www.yahoo.com/

Z - http://www.zebranest.net/album.asp?id=31

VCUG and stuff

Jude is smiling a lot and starting to coo and make sounds. I can't wait for his first belly laugh! He is starting to aim for things with his hands, but mostly just bats at them yet. He is really starting to like the mobile over his changing table, and the Gymini mat with the hanging toys. He is getting really long! I can't
wait for his appointment to see how much he's grown.

He holds his head up really well, but has done that from the first. He is nursing great, but I am worried that I am either doing too much and spotting, or that I'm getting my period already! I didn't get menses till 15 mo postpartum with my first two, and I will be seriously bummed if I get my period back so soon. I'll have to see what today brings.

He had his VCUG test on Monday, which is a catherization and then they inject a dye into his bladder and watch as it fills and empties to check for reflux or valve problems in the bladder. The tech's initial look was good - he couldn't see any abnormalities. Jude had this test b/c he had a UTI at 3 weeks of age, which is very
unusual. 10% of male babies tend to have a physical problem when they have one this early.

Soo...I thought we were in the free and clear, but the doc called yesterday to say that when they tested his urine, Jude has another UTI :(. So he's back on amoxycilin and she is anxious to talk to the ped urologist to see what his report says. I am really hoping it's just a fluke, but I can't figure out how he is getting e.
coli infections. I am just very glad that we've caught them early so that he doesn't end up hospitalized and really ill.

We've been taking Jude to visit my FIL almost every day and he seems to have rallied a bit! I credit all that baby love :). Jude smiles and coos at his Bompa every visit and is so pleasant and happy to lay on his lap. It's so nice to see how much happiness he brings. It's still a waiting game, but it would be nice if he could make it to Thanksgiving.

Anyway, things are busy here w/ the 3 kids. Emma has her first gymnastics competition on Sunday and her dad and grandpa are coming to watch. She's so nervous, and so am I, honestly! But all the moms are :). It's exciting that she's worked so hard and come this far.

Yep

I said snow alright! It's mostly gone now though. I'm sure we'll get more next week. Ugh. Emma asked me today why I never go out to play in the snow. I do! But it's going to take me awhile to get used to the idea of a new season ;). Plus it's hard to take Jude out there!

I went to WalMart. I hate WalMart. My pictures weren't even back, which was the main reason I went! Darnit! I did manage to get new snowpants for Emma. She had outgrown hers, as we found out this morning. I also got a brush for Jude, who has cradle cap, and some super hair spray for Emma's meet ;)

Updates

Tom's dad is continuing to fail. I couldn't go to the hospital last night because of work, but Tom went up after watching the baby while I taught (which incidentally, is going really well so far!).

He is on level 9 for O2, and his blood oxygen continues to drop. We will go up tonight after dinner and spend the evening.

The girls have LCG today, so I plan to run to HellMart to pick up my photos and get hair stuff for Emma's meet on Sunday. This meet is taking over our lives. Christ, I am paying more to the gym than I'm making for booster club, meets, etc. Augh! It's killing me. Oh well.

I also need to put away the Halloween decorations today and drag down the Christmas stuff. If I don't start now, we'll never get them up ;).

The baby is doing GREAT. The VCUG test looked clear - no reflux and no abnormalties that the tech could see. I"ll get a full report next week. Yay! He did really well. cried during the actualy cath part, but who wouldn't. Afterwards he peed on the nurse and charmed everyone by smiling and cooing and not having any hard feelings toward us. The techs were wonderful, kind and ON TIME! We didn't wait 5 minutes to get in to the room! I was very impressed. One of the bennies of having a teaching hospital in town.

It snowed for the first time last night and the girls got all their snow gear on and went out to play this morning ;). Pretty funny! I got a picture of them with the sled in less than 1/4" of snow.

It's cold today, but supposed to be 50F tomorrow, so hopefully I can still tackle cleaning up the garden if it dries enough. I can't find my gardening gloves anywhere though! I'll have to see if they have any still out at Wallyworld this afternoon.

That's it from the homefront. Baby's waking up so need to run!

Life is..

never dull. I'm thinking of Sue. It brings back memories of my own separation and divorce, which was a tumultous and frightening time. Send good thoughts and mojo her way.

We went to the hospital last night. Tom's mom was under the impression - which makes sense now that i think about it - that they were moving him "down to Comfort Care" which, when my BIL told her about it, was on the first floor. FIL is currently on the 3rd floor. But she had to sign something. When we got there - and bless Tom and his mother, but they are not used to navigating the medical system or jargon at all - it turned out that Comfort Care is terminology for moving the level of CARE down from Conservative Care. Basically, they wanted to know if they should continue to treat his high heart rate, or if they should just keep him comfortable, until he...well, you know. I'm still not sure my MIL *gets* this. But anyway, they decided to medicate his heart rate and move him to Telemetry to be monitored.

The meds have the undesirous effect of possibly lowering his heart rate enough to make his heart "pause," a euphemism for stop. Then they have to give him other meds to make his heart rate increase again, but because his heart is in failure, this has the potential to shoot his rate up over 200, which could lead very quickly to another heart attack. I did ask him if he understood the risks of going this route and he said he did. So.

It was a very sad visit. I feel so badly for my MIL - she's trying to hold it together. I think she would feel better if she had a good cry, myself. Tom is short with the kids and very quiet. I wish I could do more, but taking the kids up to visit his dad seems to cheer him up. His dad enjoys the baby so much and Jude is generally accommodating - hanging out on the bed with FIL, smiling and cooing the whole evening :). What a good baby he is!

Speaking of Jude, he has his VCUG today. I have to work tonight and teach again. I really wish I could quit my job sometimes. I just don't feel like dealing with juggling the baby and work. I can't even keep up with the house and homeschooling, it seems.

Well, Jude is now getting tired of me being online, so I'm headed out for a busy day. I want a cleaning fairy for Solstice, OK? One who knows what to do with clutter!

politics

Has anyone noticed that I have managed to avoid this subject? Well. All I can say is that he is still not my pres.

books

Sandra had this on her blog and I thought it was interesting:
A friend of mine listed the top 100 most frequently challenged books of 1990-2000 and bolded the ones she'd read (http://www.ashidome.com/blogger/bookclub_link.asp?c=41).

Thought I'd do it too!

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling
Forever by Judy Blume
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson (I'm just about to read this to the kids)
Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Giver by Lois Lowry
It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
Sex by Madonna
Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
The Witches by Roald Dahl (Emma LOVES this book!)
The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
The Goats by Brock Cole
Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
Blubber by Judy Blume
Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
Final Exit by Derek Humphry
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood (this book freaks me out everytime I read it!)
Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Beloved by Toni Morrison
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton (I used to know the entire book by heart just about!)
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
Deenie by Judy Blume
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
Cujo by Stephen King
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
Fade by Robert Cormier
Guess What? by Mem Fox
The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney (And the sequels)
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Native Son by Richard Wright (I know the cover but I don't THINK I've read it...)
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday
Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Jack by A.M. Homes
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle (My mom bought me this when I was 7!)
Carrie by Stephen King
Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
Family Secrets by Norma Klein
Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
Private Parts by Howard Stern
Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford
Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman (Horrid book)
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
Sex Education by Jenny Davis
The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

Relief

First of all, thanks for all the comments. Jo "this too shall pass" is a constant mantra around here ;). Laura, I would *love* to see you guys! We would probably have to have you come here for the forseeable future - Emma can't miss gymnastics practices and every other weekend is taken up with visitation :-/.

After having a massive Nyquil/allergy med hangover half the day, I'm starting to feel marginally better tonight. After my meltdown this afternoon, tom came home just as the baby *finally* went down for a nap, and he let me escape. I ended up going to WalMart after all to drop off film, grab a 2005 appt. book and some fabric to try to make a Moby wrap lookalike. Of course, now I can't remember how to wrap the darn thing!

I felt much better after a short time out of the house sans kids, and took the girls and their friend for a walk with the dog. We collected leaves and they made a scrapbook of them for their TOPS coach, which took up the better part of an hour or so.

We had catfish and salad for dinner, which ended up being kind of funny. I always buy fillets, but Tom bought the whole fish, actually 2 of them! I have never filleted a fish before, so I had to get him to come in and cut them for me ;). I was stymied by these two entire fish to deal with!

We all got in the car and traipsed up to the hospital. Tom's dad really seems to perk up around the baby, although tom says he thinks it makes him sad to be around him too, as if he's being ripped off to be dying when he has a new grandson to enjoy :(.

It was a good visit though. I'm glad we went. The girls seem to amuse him and we tired him out, so hopefully he'll sleep well tonight. apparently he had some heart problems this morning.

Tomorrow we're going to Jine's for breakfast. :) I will probably have my usual brioche french toast stuffed w/ cream cheese and marmalade. Yummmmmy.

I had a wonderful chat with my sister tonight. Got to hear about all her trials with her teens, which helps to put things in perspective! She's got a good sense of humor about it too :)

Hell weekend

I was finally starting to feel like I was getting my act together with 3 kids, but today I am freaking out. Everywhere I look there is something to be done! Tom is working an extra job today, and is going to the hospital. In a fit of assholeishness (I know that is not a word) I gave him a big guilt trip about how I haven't had a break in 5 days and he has no idea what it's like to have all 3 kids 24/7 and not only be at home with them but be at WORK with them all day too. It's exhausting. Plus I'm still sick. Like he needs me to bitch at him with his father dying.

I guess it set me off when he said he felt like he ran from the minute he got up till he went to sleep. well, no shit! Join the club ;).

Jude won't nap at all today so far, Soren is driving me completely wacko, and there are 3 tons of leaves outside that need to be raked. I can't rake them becuase:
a. my house is trashed inside
b. I have no garbage bags with which to bag them
c. I am not dragging all 3 kids plus the visiting playdate to WalMart on a Saturday afternoon to get garbage bags or anything else. Or even the grocery store. No way, no how.

I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. And the allergy pill and Nyquil combo from last night isn't helping I don't think.

Calgon, take me away!

The one bright spot in all of this is that Emma got her kip last night!

TGIF

Busy week. We had lots of hsing stuff this week, and Tom's dad went back into the hospital yesterday. He spent another 24 hours in the ER before they could get him a room. His mom told me that they had to sign a Code Red waver that it could take 8 hours to see a doctor, they were so busy! I don't know why they didn't transfer to another hospital, as I cna't imagine that his doc doesn't have privlegies at other hospitals in this city.

Anyway, they signed a do not resucitate (sp?) order this morning, as he is not doing well at all and really struggling to breathe and talk. It seems like it will be a matter of days :(. Emma is taking it pretty hard and I talked to my MIL today. She is very upset, as is Tom. My BIL was hit pretty hard by the immediacy of it. I'd like to get the kids up to the hospital tonight or tomorrow if possible, but we have a friend coming over tomorrow afternoon so I'll have to see.

Emma has her practice meet tomorrow. She's a bit anxious. I am having a recurrence of my cold/flu w/ a sore throat and runny nose again ::sigh:: I'm ready to be over this damn thing. Jude is still snuffly too - I almost wonder if he's teething already, as he is drooling a lot too.

voting

Yep, we're going to vote when Tom gets home from work. The kids are excited!

We had a wonderful Halloween. The girls t or t w/ their dad on Saturday night and with Tom and Jude and I on Sunday night here in Rochester. They were adorable! I will post some pics soon :)

Flu

I have it. It sucks. I'm so tired. Jude was up from 3 am until 10 a.m. this morning. I am going to take a nap.