Baby blues

It's crazy. I was feeling really pretty good for a couple of weeks - physically and mentally, but I seem to be sliding into some sort of depression. I can't tell if it's hormonal, but I do know that I have a list of complaints about my life, none of which can really be remedied. But, what the hell, if I can't vent here, where can I vent? Feel free to just skip, because some of it is TMI and some of it is boring, but I need to vent and this is my space, so deal with it!

I feel like I can't keep up. It's a losing battle to keep up with the dishes (my dishwasher died right after Jude was born) and the laundry. I'm ready to start using disposables for awhile just to give myself a break, although that leads to another ongoing vent, that of having no money, so I can't really justify buying diapers when I can use the ones I have over and over again. I mean, Danielle and Mike haven't even given us the gas, electric or water bill since we moved here in August, and I know they're paying them, but I don't know where I'd come up with the money if they DID give them to me. I hate getting handouts like this. Tom's job just doesn't pay enough and he hates it anyway, which makes me feel awful.

So then I get into this thing that he can't possibly be happy and that I have to be dragging him down. I mean, here he is, saddled with a family, 2/3 of which aren't his, and he has to work at a job he hates so that we have insurance, but that doesn't pay enough to cover the bills, let alone extras, and my job doesn't help enough either. And even if I did work full time and put the kids in school/daycare, which I never would do to Jude, it would cost too much for childcare to make it worthwhile.

And while I"m on the subject of family, my daughters are driving me nuts. I feel like I might as well not even bother opening my mouth, because the don't listen to a damn thing I say anyway. I feel like I'm constantly having to nag and harp on them just to get them to do a minimum amount of contribution to helping around here - and that includes just their daily hygeine for God's sake. I'm so sick of it. And half the time they don't do it anyway and just ignore me. And on Emma's part it's more of an absent minded goodnatured kind of thing, not like she's trying to push my buttons usually. On Soren's part, it's a kicking and screaming, fuck you, I'm not doing that kind of thing which makes me want to duct tape her to the wall ;).

And then throw in a new baby that needs constant feeding and changing and holding (none of which I mind, but if he were the ONLY one, it would be manageable). I haven't seen any of my friends in almost 2 weeks and am going stircrazy.

Oh, and back to Tom...I mean I don't *really* think that he doesn't want to be here, but since about the last trimester of my pregnancy, he has been affectionate and loving, but it doesn't seem like he's *attracted* to me at all, and I'm getting a huge complex about it. Every day I shave my legs and my pits and think, "Ok, maybe tonight he'll think I'm attractive and want to do something besides fall asleep in a pile of kids," but nope, doesn't happen. And I did talk to him about it way back when I was about 7 months pregnant and at the time I thought it was just a pregnancy thing and I thought, "Hey, I can live with that," but it's dragged on now. And I have hangups about being a nag about it or even initiating anything, because of David and his weirdness about sex, and I *told* Tom that and that I wasn't going to bring it up again (after about the 3rd time) and so I'm not. I know I still need to lose about 15 pounds, but I don't think it's that either, or he says it's not, so I don't know what it is. But it makes me cry almost every day.

And now, back to family. I don't want my kids to not have turkey and the trimmings and we were supposed to have all these people come and spend the holiday with us and now NObody is coming! My BIL (who is being an ass anyway) and his fiancee were supposed to come but they bailed today, because now she's cooking dinner for HER kids (who were supposed to have dinner with them on Saturday), and Tom's mom is only coming for a little while so she can spend the day at the hospital, and our friend Bernie was going to come, but now she's not because her mom is sick and so it's just us. A 22 pound turkey and us. Egads. I already hate the holidays and all the baggage I carry around about them and now I just feel abandoned.

And we just don't have normal days with my schedule and trying to fit visits to the hospital in. I'm letting Tom go up tonight w/o us because I just need a night AT HOME and I feel guilty about it.

And I'm worried about this stuff with Jude and his UTI and Tom, and I'm hurt because Tom didn't even tell me about it for a month, but told our friend Bernie and now has asked her to take him to the appointment and not me.

And I found a white hair when I showered this morning. And I do mean WHITE.

So I feel old and frumpy and matronly and fat and lonely and depressed and I hate the holidays and I feel like I"m just sliding further and further behind and not doing anything well - not a good wife, mom, educator and I'm being given slack at work b/c of the baby, so I don't feel like I'm earning my keep very well there either.

I should be in a Jackie Collins book - fat, frumpy, horny old housewife ;). I want to feel like ME. Maybe it's just too much mommy time and not enough me time. But what would I do with myself if I had time? I'd probably just sleep more :::sigh::

"This too shall pass." I realize that. I say affirmations every day. Fake it till you make it and all that.

Oh, and I'm stressed about David moving here and dealing with more upheaval. Is that enough. OK, /vent off. It doesn't make me feel better to see it all in print. It's just overwhelming. And it's mostly all in my head anyway, nothing I shouldn't be able to deal with.

I've got lots of positives in my life and everything to be happy about. Some other day I guess.