NY

I'm back in NY and I'm incredibly grumpy.

Soren did not want to leave David's, which is good, because that meant that he's doing better and they are really enjoying their visit, but bad because it made me feel like a cad when we had to leave. She didn't cry or anything, but talked about missing him all the way home, and then about 10 minutes after we got home, said she wished she was still with daddy, which made me feel about two inches tall.

Yeah, I know she didn't say it to make me feel bad, but I hate that the second I see them after a long weekend, we had to embark on a four hour ride home. At least the car cooler enabled me to have good snacks.

Emma also taught Soren how to use the 100s chart 100s chart , and she caught on right away and they played some fun number games. Emma and I worked on the multiplication tables a bit in her head (better than in my head, with the state of mind I'm in right now ;))

I gave the teaching to Emma as a project, so she could see how well she understood it, and because Soren wanted to learn how to subtract. It seemed like a good homeschool exercise for both of them.

When we got home, I unpacked the car in the pouring rain, and tore our expensive sleeping bag getting it out of the car . I'll have to go to the fabric store tomorrow and get nylon thread to repair it.

I started laundry and when I went downstairs I found that our lovely cat pissed on the futon (that was still made up as a guest bed) at least three times while I was out of town. I'm *furious*. Like I cold kill him. I have threatened over and over again to get rid of this damn cat since he started pissing on things when we moved, and I think that had the SPCA been open at that moment, he would be sooo gone.

I'm also grumpy because I had to spend a lot of time at the house while Tom was taking down the swing set and I cried so hard yesterday, and couldn't stop. Geez, I could start up again now if I'm not careful. I am so homesick. I am never going to get over losing this house. It's as bad as if someone had died, truly.

The girls are in the tub, and I'm ready to crash. Tomorrow I have to grocery shop and get a massage (not like that is a chore!) and Bradley class is canceled tomorrow so we get an evening at home, thank goodness. Maybe my mood will be improved by then.

PA

The girls and I went to the zoo on Friday morning, since they had off school and meant to meet Dawn and Caren there, but we thought we would be late, and then they were, so we ended up starting without them but ran into them on our way out. The girls really enjoyed themselves. It was just the right size to keep them interested but not so large that we were all exhausted trying to see it all in a short time period.

After that, we started our trip to PA, with our new car cooler, which seems to be worth the investment.

It seemed to take forever to get here, because I was so sleepy. (note to self: don't travel during your pregnant naptime!)

the girls and I went out to dinner with my mom for her birthday. don't even ask me about her manipulative crap that she tried to pull because David was going to go so he could spend time with the girls. Argh!

Today I got up and visited with my dad for awhile and then spent the afternoon on a nap and reading. I stopped by the house to check on everything and had a complete breakdown after I left. It just made me so homesick for my house and resentful of having to start a whole new life.

Not that I'm not happy where I am, and I would have been out of my house and in a new life regardless of whether it's in PA, NY, or Timbuktu, but just the fact of starting over financially, with no house that I love, feeling guilty about how that affects the girls, ad nauseum. Someday I'll get past all this, I'm sure. Meanwhile, it's my party, so I'll cry if I want ;).

thankfully Tom called me (well, maybe not thankfully for him!) as I was having my little breakdown, so at least I got to cry to someone who loves me and was supportive.I really wish that I was better at reframing my desire for stability into something that didn't include owning a home. I think I'd feel a lot less angst.


This evening I picked up my dad and took him to the Memorial Day parade in Boalsburg, the supposed home of Memorial Day, where I grew up. We had dinner there, but I'm exhausted from sitting in the sun and listening to him tell me the same old stories that he's told me 1000 times ;). Dementia sucks! he had a really good time though. I'm going to take him out to boalsburg again on Monday for the actual holiday, because they have a craft fair, flower show, and all sorts of yummy food and he loves it :).

btw, please excuse the lack of capitalization in this post. I'm on a foreign keyboard and my right pinky nail is way too long and I keep missing the shift key.

I hate Wednesdays

I know I say this every week, and it never ends up being as bad as I expect, but I hate Wednesdays. This morning is no exception really.

Bradley class was good last night for the most part. We talked about the partner's role in the birth, and it was a bit patronizing I think, but in the end it led to Tom and I having a *really* long talk, until midnight, about all sorts of things. The things we need to work on in communicating with each other; what we expect from the birth and parenting; how things are going with Soren and what we can do to be more responsive; how much time he will take off when the baby is born; my wishywashiness about wanting to go back to work when the baby is born; moving to the city, etc.

I thought it was great!

Soren apparently was great at the ILs until I arrived this morning (par for the course). She started whining about her stockings, or lack thereof, and when I pointed out that I *did* pack her stockings and they were in their overnight bag, she said she didn't like those, because they made her head hurt, because they are striped. Hah.

The other night she told me she wanted to lose bath privileges. And she's learning how to cheat at cards. Funny kid.

Anyway, I'm praying for a nap this afternoon in between work. Not sure what I am going to cook for dinner quite yet. I'm thinking pierogies and sausage sandwiches. That should be tasty. I guess I'll have to pick up sandwich rolls after work though. I hate going to Wegmans. Tom calls it the "blue hair Wegmans." Not meaning any disrespect, but it's true - all the retired people shop there!

In other news, I got a call from an old friend yesterday who was upset and it was so good to talk to them. I hope I was able to offer the listening ear they needed and that my advice (which was asked for!) was sound. I haven't really talked to this person for a while, and it was good to catch up and really get some things out on the table, for both of us, I hope.

Tuesday

I have LLL this morning - my first time w/ the greeter gig.

I have started keeping a journal of Soren's behavior again. Things are going downhill again. This cyclical thing - do I need to get out of denial?

I really want to get into her classroom today and volunteer. she's been asking me for weeks and things get so busy.

I bought a vacuum cleaner yesterday so the house will be clean! Woot! And I did a skillion loads of laundry. Hopefully I'll get it finished today. Tonight we have Bradley class and I haven't even begun to read the information for it. Ugh.

Punk rocker?

Old school punk! You just say what you have to say
regardless of what everyone else thinks!
You're one of my most favourite types of
music... You're raw and uncut! You're
surrounded by hype...just don't let it make you
go insane...


What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday

I'm finally feeling better!

Right now, I'm hoping we don't lose electricity. We're having a hell of a storm. When I woke up, it was beautiful and sunny, after a very gray weekend with t-storms, but the radio said there were storms coming in at 55 mph. Within 20 minutes, we had thunder and lightening and it's pretty impressive. Can't wait to run to the car to get the kids on the bus!

The weekend was so busy! Friday, Emma had practice from 4:30 to 6:30, then I worked open gym from 6:30 to 8, then her friend Stepany stayed overnight at our house. I fed them and set them up with a video.

Saturday we got up and had to be at the gym by 9. I worked till noon, came home for an hour and volunteered my afternoon at their Kids Classic Fun Competition, which is for class kids and pre-team. Both of my girls were in it, and I was so impressed with both of them. Emma got her front hip circle for the first time *during* the competition, and Soren stayed with her squad the whole time and did every event, and had a blast, never asking for me! I even got them both on tape for every event, although I got Soren's practice vault instead of the one that counted, but since it was better, that was probaby OK ;).

Saturday night we came home and ordered Chinese food, because I was way too tired to cook. Yesterday we went to the lilac festival with my Nov98 listmate Jana and her 3 kids, with her friend Melanie and her 2 kids, Danielle and Mike and their boys, and then Jana's brother met us at the end. The kids all were really great and I had a good time, even when we got caught in a shower.

Today is going to be an orgy of cleaning, laundry and errands, since it's my only day off, and we're leaving Friday for a long weekend in PA.

Gotta remember to get a bday card for my mom!

Still sick

Believe it or not, 8 days from the first sign of illness, I'm still sick. I saw the doctor on Tuesday, and it wasn't strep, but Wednesday I started exhibiting signs of a sinus infection and my throat is still killing me. Yesterday she called in a prescription for Zithromax for me, which will hopefully kill whatever nasty bug is causing this, although I supposed it could be a virus. Quite frankly, I'm so sick of being sick, that I'm willing to chance the antibiotic. Sadly, it's making me really nauseous.

I've worked a lot this week at the gym. Held 2 staff meetings, met with one coach individually, fixed rotation schedules, coached a few classes. I went swimming twice and discovered that with the water aerobic floaties, I can get a really good arm and shoulder workout which is awesome!

I also want to start visiting the gym here at the development and using the free weights for my arms. I'm really stressing about how much muscle mass I'm losing in my biceps and shoulders. For some reason it's been easier to keep up with leg exercises while pregnant.

I have yoga today, which will hopefully help my lower back, which is killing me, but then I have to work Open Gym tonight, which will put me back at square one,and tomorrow I have to be at the gym from 9 to noon and 2-6 p.m. Both girls are competing in a fun competition, so I need to remember to charge up my video camera. I have NO pictures of Soren doing gymnastics, which seems crazy to me. Second child syndrome I guess.

Pregnancy is going well. Jude is quite active these days and no more spotting :crossing fingers and toe:. I seem to have slowed down on gaining weight a little, but being sick may have contributed to that.

Not much else going on. Things with the house are still in limbo. I want to start packing up the playroom to move to Danielle's, as well as some stuff in the kids' room. How did they accumulate so many knick knacks in their short lives?

Sick

I've been sick since Thursday. I finally made an appointment with the doctor for this morning. I'm a bit worried I might have Fifth Disease because my cheeks have that "slapped cheek" look, and everyone has been commenting on it. No rash anywhere else yet, but it appeared several days after the onset of me feeling crappy, so it makes sense. I called my mom and she doesn't remember me ever having it before, so it's possible.

Hopefully I'm far enough into my pregnancy that it wouldn't be a problem, but geez, there's always something to worry about.

I will also be getting some of Soren's test results this morning, so that will be good.

Other than that, it was a quiet weekend. I stayed at my mom's and she drove me crazy most of the time. She just never stops talking! It was like one of those slumber parties where one of the kids keeps waking everyone up.

I did score another pair of maternity shorts at Kid to Kid, which was nice, and the girls had a good visit with their dad. Emma stayed over for a birthday party with her friend Katri and they had a blast.

Our next visit, she has a bday party with another friend. It's nice that everyone continues to include her. Our next visit will be a long weekend over Memorial Day, and I'm looking forward to cotton candy at the carnival! I may even make it to the parade this year.

Otherwise, nothing exciting going on.

Argh!

If you haven't heard from me, it's because my website expired and they *never sent me anything* to let me renew it. I'm in the process of trying to renew it now, but it's quite frustrating and I hope I haven't lost anything of importance.

In the meantime, I can be reached at suldrun1@yahoo.com.

I'm going swimming this morning with a friend in my brand new One Hot Mama maternity bathing suit! Link

Happy Mother's Day

Just a note to all my mom friends out there! I hope you get spoiled today :).

I am so grateful to be a mother. It has changed my life in so many ways, all of them positive.

My girls woke me up with snuggles this morning, handmade and bought cards, stuffed animals, scotch tape (because they always use mine up!), white-out (for all the mistakes I make ), baby gifts for Jude, and more snuggles :).

Tom brought me coffee, doughnuts and the newspaper in bed, and made french toast for the girls for breakfast. I'm not even dressed yet and it's 11 a.m.!

I even got the obligatory call to my own mom out of the way already.

Betty's Five

From Harsh Betty:

1. Tell me about of a time when you were disappointed recently. Are you more likely to be disappointed in things that do happen, or things that don't happen? Discuss.
I was really disappointed that the sale of my house fell through.

I'm more likely to be disappointed by things that happen, actually. I'm pretty philosophical about things that *don't* happen for the most part, but the house is becoming an albatross.

2. Is there an area of your life in which you are not rational or reasonable? Elaborate.
Right now it's my appearance. I'm freaking out about my physical condition with being pregnant and the fact that I'm having a hard time walking as much as I would like and that I tire so easily. I am really hard on myself when I feel that I'm not living up to my own high standards.


3. How tall are you? How do you feel about your height? If you could change it, would you?

I'm 5'2". I am perfectly happy at this height except in my kitchen which has high cabinets, which necessiate me hauling my pregnant body on to a step stool many times a day ;). I wouldn't change my height at all!

4. Is there anything you've been avoiding lately, either actively or passively? Discuss.
I've been avoiding dealing with what I believe is a relapse of Soren's health, but she has an appointment at the doctor on Monday. It means more blood work, which doesn't bother Soren, but it bothers me!

5. Re-imagine your life if you'd made one big decision differently. How might things have turned out for you if you'd taken Option B instead? Elaborate.

If I hadn't run away from home at 15, I wouldn't have met Danielle, or David, or eventually Tom. I wouldn't have the faith in myself to take on hard things and succeed at them. I wouldn't have gotten all the support and help that were a huge part of who I am today, both as a person and as an employee and a wife and a mother.

Prenatal

My visit with Meg went well. The baby's heartbeat was around 150, and they were laughing at my ball of a belly. She could feel his little body so clearly through my tummy. It was really neat! I gained 6 more pounds for a grand total of 17 lbs. so far this pregnancy, not to mention the 7 lbs. I gained before I got pregnant, between Nov. 1 and Xmas. Yeesh!

I woke up screaming in the middle of the night last night with a horrible leg cramp in my calf. OMG. I forgot about those (thankfully!). It still hurts and hasn't eased up all the way despite treating it with the heating pad and a hot shower. Hopefully I'll be able to fix it with some stretching when I go to work later.

I have to run two birthday parties this afternoon and then I'm hoping to talk everyone into Indian food for dinner, or Pizza Hut ;). Either one would be great, as I'm tired of cooking this week!

Tom let me sleep in this morning and brought me coffee and cinnamon rolls in bed, and took Emma to gymnastics practice.

Speaking of which, she got her roundoff double back handspring on the floor last night during practice, in front of all the parents no less! She even said she thought she could do a triple and plans on trying it today. The Level 4/Preteam routine is looking much better and they are all so cute! It's not as good of music as last year's Cotton Eyed Joe, but it's still fun.

Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Emma will get to compete Level 4 next year - she's really motivated and wants to do TOPS too. We'll see!

TGIF Finally!

I have been trying to clean all day, with minimal success. I did:
1. Clean my room and put clean sheets on
2. Do 2 loads of laundry (not put away yet)
3. Clean the bathroom sort of
4. Sweep and mop the foyer
5. Straighten up the kitchen, although I still need to scrub the counters
6. Straighten up the living room, although there's still a lot to do.

I had yoga today and lunch was awesome. There were 8 of us, 2 of whom were new to the class. It was a great class, really tougher than the last couple. Alice and I were laughing and dying at how wimpy we are becoming!

I felt a lot better after class though, because I've been so tired lately!

I have a midwife appointment in an hour. I have to take Emma to the gym first and she's freaking out on me because I supposedly took her grip tape and liquid bandaid out of her grip bag. Hmm.. I have no memory of that, but she seems convinced. What would *I* want with grip tape?

Almost TGIF

This has been a long week! Tom and I finally talked on Wednesday, so things are much better there. I have worked every night this week plus yesterday morning and this morning. I have off tomorrow, was supposed to work Saturday morning but am working 2 birthday parties in the afternoon instead. Love parent's week! ;). This weekend got screwed up with staffing because of graduation around here at the uni and colleges and prom.

I went to visit my friend Dawn today to pick up the Fuzzi Bunz I won in a raffle (I *never* win anything!) and it was my first time at her house. I met her at home birth circle I think and then at LLL. Another woman from LLL, Karen, was there, with her daughter, so it was really lovely to sit and chat a bit. I feel like I get very little "mom socialization" - I have to be pretty professional at work, although I'm mostly dealing with parents there, it's rarely just social.

While I was at work tonight, Tom took the girls to a free skating night offered by the PTA. They had a blast and there is also a climbing wall, a jousting and bungee run thingy, and a big climbing rig, a la Chuckie Cheese. They just skated, did video games and the climbing rig. and they had a blast!

I was glad they didn't stay at work with me. My boss was very crabby, and it got very busy talking to parents, I ended up evaluating a student to move up to another level, and a kid peed all over the place ;).

Emma is still awake, as David bought us a router so I could hook up the girls' laptop to the cable modem so they could email with their dad. Emma's really into the internet lately too, so I'm sure she'll become a computer and email junkie like me.

Tuesday like Monday

I feel like I'm still in the same place as Friday. Tom is refusing to talk to me about any of my feelings which is making me really depressed.

On Saturday I went to the AAUW book sale which was awesome as always. I got a ton of books and homeschooling resources for about $30. I also went to the UU on Sunday but the sermon on humanism was very academic and over my head.

Today I'm going to lunch with a former co-worker/host from Moms Online at the Chinese Buffet. Yay!

Tonight is our first Bradley class. I hope it's as good as the ones I went to before and I hope that Tom gets something out of it.

David and I took the girls ice skating on Sunday before we came back to NY, and they both did amazingly well. I even went out and skated a bit!