Soren update
I've blogged intermittently about issues with Soren's behavior and such and today I went to see a counselor about it and to help me develop some coping mechanisms.
He is not a doctor, nor does he play one on TV, but he has a real-life good background in counseling and family dynamics and as an unschooler type, I like his experience more than his education. He calls himself a "wellness" counselor and he doesn't use a lot of "ivory tower" terms.
I think the thing that i liked most about him when I interviewed him on the phone was that he said that his view of counseling is to help people find the truth that is already inside of them and to help to bring it out. He's got about 15 years experience with family and children and started out working with alcoholics and drug addicts.
I'm kind of stalling about thinking too hard about the session. It's much easier to just stay in denial, although clearly that isn't what I want to do, or I wouldn't have gone to him in the first place. Not to mention that I'm paying out of pocket, rather than go to a regular psychologist. But anyway, all the therapists I have seen in the past have been pretty alternative/progressive anyway, so he fits the mold. Which discussion of is just more procrastination ;).
So anyway, he's not a doctor, but he suggested that he could refer me and her to one at some point in the future if I wanted to get a "real" diagnosis, but that in the meantime we can work on coping skills. The end result of our phone discussion and our meeting today though is that he suspects that Soren may end up with a diagnosis of some sort of personality disorder, and more specifically, borderline personality disorder. There, I said it. My worst fears. Even worse than bipolar disorder. Although, I must say, he's convinced that bp is overdiagnosed and spent a good bit of time discussing David's diagnosis, so he may be biased against seeing that in anyone, and not to mention it's so hard to diagnose kids anyway, because they present so differently than adults.
Regardless of diagnosis or not though, it was so good to have someone *hear* me and *get* that Soren is more than just *more* aka a spirited child. She has a real jekyl and hyde personality and OCD tendencies that make life with her very exhausting most of the time.
I was able to say that I was really afraid of having a child with a mental health problem, because unlike her dad, I can't divorce her. She's my baby. It really made me think about the fears and resentments and walls I have up about emotions and talking through things - I mean, I do, and I hate to have things festering, but I dn't want to be responsible for another sick person. I need to find a way to come to grips with caring for her and having a healthy relationship for her, but at the same time, not to be responsible for "fixing" her.
So he gave me some information about SET (Support. Empathy. Truth.) I'll give it a try and I have some reading to do.
On the ride home, I ran the gamut of emotions, from:
*someone gets this
*denial - this is just a phase; look at my beautiful girl, there can't be something serious going on with her
*anger and resentment
*fear
*tears
*more denial
I'm sure lots of people will have an opinion about this - that's fine. I'm not planning on taking anything for granted; I just want to be able to live with her and get through the days w/o being exhausted by her all the time. I want to have a positive relationship with her, not one rife with conflict and aggressing and anger. I want to have her IQ tested, and probably see a psychologist for an opinion. But most of all, I want coping skills. I want something that works. I've read all the books, I've tried all the tricks and the reality is that nothing works. I need something to save my sanity. I need to be able to get past all the crap and see Soren - the girl behind all the roiling clouds of gray and black and stomping feet. The one that is perfect and compliant outside of the house. She needs something from me and she trusts me enough to drive me crazy until I figure out what it is and give it to her.
But most of all, I want to go to bed and cover my head. I don't want to compartmentalize today. I don't want to go to work and put on a happy fucking face. I want to go to bed and cry and to be alone. I don't want to take care of Jude, or make dinner, or talk to Tom about this. I just want to grieve.
He is not a doctor, nor does he play one on TV, but he has a real-life good background in counseling and family dynamics and as an unschooler type, I like his experience more than his education. He calls himself a "wellness" counselor and he doesn't use a lot of "ivory tower" terms.
I think the thing that i liked most about him when I interviewed him on the phone was that he said that his view of counseling is to help people find the truth that is already inside of them and to help to bring it out. He's got about 15 years experience with family and children and started out working with alcoholics and drug addicts.
I'm kind of stalling about thinking too hard about the session. It's much easier to just stay in denial, although clearly that isn't what I want to do, or I wouldn't have gone to him in the first place. Not to mention that I'm paying out of pocket, rather than go to a regular psychologist. But anyway, all the therapists I have seen in the past have been pretty alternative/progressive anyway, so he fits the mold. Which discussion of is just more procrastination ;).
So anyway, he's not a doctor, but he suggested that he could refer me and her to one at some point in the future if I wanted to get a "real" diagnosis, but that in the meantime we can work on coping skills. The end result of our phone discussion and our meeting today though is that he suspects that Soren may end up with a diagnosis of some sort of personality disorder, and more specifically, borderline personality disorder. There, I said it. My worst fears. Even worse than bipolar disorder. Although, I must say, he's convinced that bp is overdiagnosed and spent a good bit of time discussing David's diagnosis, so he may be biased against seeing that in anyone, and not to mention it's so hard to diagnose kids anyway, because they present so differently than adults.
Regardless of diagnosis or not though, it was so good to have someone *hear* me and *get* that Soren is more than just *more* aka a spirited child. She has a real jekyl and hyde personality and OCD tendencies that make life with her very exhausting most of the time.
I was able to say that I was really afraid of having a child with a mental health problem, because unlike her dad, I can't divorce her. She's my baby. It really made me think about the fears and resentments and walls I have up about emotions and talking through things - I mean, I do, and I hate to have things festering, but I dn't want to be responsible for another sick person. I need to find a way to come to grips with caring for her and having a healthy relationship for her, but at the same time, not to be responsible for "fixing" her.
So he gave me some information about SET (Support. Empathy. Truth.) I'll give it a try and I have some reading to do.
On the ride home, I ran the gamut of emotions, from:
*someone gets this
*denial - this is just a phase; look at my beautiful girl, there can't be something serious going on with her
*anger and resentment
*fear
*tears
*more denial
I'm sure lots of people will have an opinion about this - that's fine. I'm not planning on taking anything for granted; I just want to be able to live with her and get through the days w/o being exhausted by her all the time. I want to have a positive relationship with her, not one rife with conflict and aggressing and anger. I want to have her IQ tested, and probably see a psychologist for an opinion. But most of all, I want coping skills. I want something that works. I've read all the books, I've tried all the tricks and the reality is that nothing works. I need something to save my sanity. I need to be able to get past all the crap and see Soren - the girl behind all the roiling clouds of gray and black and stomping feet. The one that is perfect and compliant outside of the house. She needs something from me and she trusts me enough to drive me crazy until I figure out what it is and give it to her.
But most of all, I want to go to bed and cover my head. I don't want to compartmentalize today. I don't want to go to work and put on a happy fucking face. I want to go to bed and cry and to be alone. I don't want to take care of Jude, or make dinner, or talk to Tom about this. I just want to grieve.
posted by Unknown @ 1:52 PM
2 Comments:
At 4:12 PM,
Emily said…
No opinions here, just big {{{hugs}}} and to tell you that your post gave me goosebumps. I've wondered about BPD with Jason, given how he has managed to not go totally over the edge yet, and wondered about Rebekah as well. It's horrible to have this feeling that you're just waiting for the inevitable, and that the entire family's happiness revolves around the up or down mood of one person. I hope you get more answers soon.
At 12:34 AM,
Flora said…
Kelly, you know I'm happy to talk at any time about anything. Personally I'd be way wary of BPP being dx'ed in such a young child and I really hope it is not what she is facing.
FWIW after the nightmare years with Max, I can honestly say things are pretty OK now at school, at home and outside the house. It can get easier as they get older and gain insight.
{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}
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