TGIF
Again! This week just flew by. I feel like I'm failing at my freelance gig. It's so hard for me wrap my head around it right now, and I just literally didn't have enough time this week, partially because my boss waited till the last minute to give me corrections and partially because I wasted most of last week doing I have no idea what.
Today the girls had off school (again!) and it was very hectic. I had a 9a.m. parent/teacher conference w/ Soren's teacher, so I got up at 7 a.m., worked for an hour, showered, fed the kids and ran them to my MIL's for an hour. Met with the teacher, which went great! Soren is really doing great in the classroom and is being moved up to a more advanced reading group. She is apparently a delight in class and is doing well at math and writing. She said that her writing is actually really, really good - both the mechanics and the content :).
Then I ran back to MIL's, who wasn't feeling well, encouraged her to call the doctor (she did, and ended up having an ear infection, which was causing her dizziness!) and ran the kids home. Emma's friend Stephanie's mom came to pick her up for the day, then Soren I ran to pick up my gym boss's daughter, who was babysitting Soren for me. Lost yet?
Then, I dropped Elizabeth and Soren back to my house, ran to yoga, ran out of yoga and to my midwife appointment, which went great. We had a long talk about GBS, spurred by a discussion on my parenting list, and got a form to have an ultrasound in four weeks. I'm measuring 14.5, and the heartbeat was in the 140's. (still hoping for a girl!).
Tom made it for the end of the appointment, and then I ran home, and took Elizabeth to meet her mom at the gym in time for HER dance class. Picked up my paycheck, went to the bank, and then Soren and I decided to check out the library for the first time. Everyone kept telling me how big it was...WTF? The library in the small town I moved from is larger and nicer. Plus I think I'm spoiled by Penn State's library, which is awesome.
Anyway, we got out A Child is Born, although it's not the new edition. We also got some Rosemary Wells books and a couple of first readers that Soren wanted.
My midwife let me borrow Welcome With Love and warned me that it would make me cry. I read it to Soren, and of course, cried ;). Soren keeps asking me why it makes me cry!
Last night I went to a Creative Memories scrapbooking party and had SO much fun!
It was at Krista's house (the woman who lives near where we are moving to), and my friend Alyce was there, along with a few other people I've met at Homebirth Circle, LLL and yoga. I talked with a woman named Cynthia for a long time about the city schools and city life in general. She was very cool and is working on her masters in public health. She was incredibly knowledgable about breastfeeding. I hope I get to meet up with her again sometime.
It really inspired me to dig out my creative memories stuff, which is cool. The party was at 7 p.m. and we got home around 10 p.m. The girls came with me and had a GREAT time. There were lots of kids there. Soren keeps talking about how much fun it was, although she mostly sat on my lap ;).
When we got home, Tom immediately got in my face about how late it was and how worried he was, and why didn't I have my cell phone with me, and didn't even talk to the kids. I was pissed and he stomped upstairs, while I yelled, "Yeah, I had a really good time, thanks for asking!"
I finally went in and said that I was sorry that he was worried, but that I felt like I was under surveillance or something, and that it wasn't that late. He grudgingly said he guessed he owed me an apology, but it wasn't very sincere, dammit. He also does this "silent" passive aggressive thing every time he's upset about something that makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells and is wearing thin really fast. He even sleeps with his back to me when he's mad, which he NEVER does. He always sleeps on his back! Argh!
I thought of several things to say to him today after I had thought about it some more, but he's still being all standoffish and cold and withdrawn and I am tired of being the one to break the ice.
FTR, there were about 10 moms there, mostly with children younger than mine. Not one of them called to check in with their husbands because they thought it was late. Not ONE of their husbands called them on their cell phones to check in on them. And when I checked in with a couple women at yoga today who were there last night, and mentioned his being upset, they couldn't figure out why either, so I really don't think it's me.
His mom said it's because his ex-wife burned him so bad that he worries, but sometimes I suspect he can be a little controlling in a passive-aggressive way, which worries me. I don't react well to that, and have never checked in with anyone in my life, except when I'm legitimately LATE or have a huge change of plans. I don't like feeling like I have to account for where I am every minute, especially when I've already said where I'm going to be, and I'm still f*cking there.
Anyway, I guess I don't need reassurance that it's me, but I don't know how to deal with this silent treatment and coldness. David used to do this and it drove me BONKERS but he was nowhere as bad as Tom is about it. At least when I approached him, he would make a legitimate attempt to talk to me and resolve it there on the spot - not keep making me come back to re-resolve it, or whatever.
I feel like Tom is so sensitive to whatever I say that I will make it worse if I try to explain to him how his behavior is really having a negative impact on me and makes me not even want to be around him when he's doing that - I'd rather he go out and get drunk and work it off, or yell and fight it out, or ANYthing than this silent shit.
OK, I promise to stop venting about this. It's just that the few arguments we've had always end up like this, sometimes even not arguments, but just things I say that he takes personally when they're not even about him, and it worries me about how we're going to resolve it. Pretty soon, I'm probably going to lose my temper and just follow him around until he yells back at me or something ;).
Speaking of David, he's been very nice lately, emailing me frequently and being mostly responsive to my emails, which is new and different. He said he's feeling a bit manic, which worries me though.
We got 2 offers on the house, enough to pay off the mortgage w/ nothing left over, and we may have to shell out some bucks to fix a few things, but hopefully it will work out!
It makes me very sad though :(. I am going to have to let go of this dream that Tom will suddenly change his mind about needing to be here and we can move home and back into my house, which I love so much. I am really grieving the loss of the only real home I have ever known, that was truly *mine*. I don't think I am going to take it well when we finally close on the house.
The reality is, though, that even if we moved back, we're so far behind on payments, that it would be foreclosed upon before I could get back up to speed :(. I guess I'm just SOL as far as that goes, one way or the other. Not to mention that my credit looks like shit now.
::sigh::
So, overall, a good day for the most part, although some outstanding sadnesses and issues that I wish would get resolved. Just like most days I guess.
Today the girls had off school (again!) and it was very hectic. I had a 9a.m. parent/teacher conference w/ Soren's teacher, so I got up at 7 a.m., worked for an hour, showered, fed the kids and ran them to my MIL's for an hour. Met with the teacher, which went great! Soren is really doing great in the classroom and is being moved up to a more advanced reading group. She is apparently a delight in class and is doing well at math and writing. She said that her writing is actually really, really good - both the mechanics and the content :).
Then I ran back to MIL's, who wasn't feeling well, encouraged her to call the doctor (she did, and ended up having an ear infection, which was causing her dizziness!) and ran the kids home. Emma's friend Stephanie's mom came to pick her up for the day, then Soren I ran to pick up my gym boss's daughter, who was babysitting Soren for me. Lost yet?
Then, I dropped Elizabeth and Soren back to my house, ran to yoga, ran out of yoga and to my midwife appointment, which went great. We had a long talk about GBS, spurred by a discussion on my parenting list, and got a form to have an ultrasound in four weeks. I'm measuring 14.5, and the heartbeat was in the 140's. (still hoping for a girl!).
Tom made it for the end of the appointment, and then I ran home, and took Elizabeth to meet her mom at the gym in time for HER dance class. Picked up my paycheck, went to the bank, and then Soren and I decided to check out the library for the first time. Everyone kept telling me how big it was...WTF? The library in the small town I moved from is larger and nicer. Plus I think I'm spoiled by Penn State's library, which is awesome.
Anyway, we got out A Child is Born, although it's not the new edition. We also got some Rosemary Wells books and a couple of first readers that Soren wanted.
My midwife let me borrow Welcome With Love and warned me that it would make me cry. I read it to Soren, and of course, cried ;). Soren keeps asking me why it makes me cry!
Last night I went to a Creative Memories scrapbooking party and had SO much fun!
It was at Krista's house (the woman who lives near where we are moving to), and my friend Alyce was there, along with a few other people I've met at Homebirth Circle, LLL and yoga. I talked with a woman named Cynthia for a long time about the city schools and city life in general. She was very cool and is working on her masters in public health. She was incredibly knowledgable about breastfeeding. I hope I get to meet up with her again sometime.
It really inspired me to dig out my creative memories stuff, which is cool. The party was at 7 p.m. and we got home around 10 p.m. The girls came with me and had a GREAT time. There were lots of kids there. Soren keeps talking about how much fun it was, although she mostly sat on my lap ;).
When we got home, Tom immediately got in my face about how late it was and how worried he was, and why didn't I have my cell phone with me, and didn't even talk to the kids. I was pissed and he stomped upstairs, while I yelled, "Yeah, I had a really good time, thanks for asking!"
I finally went in and said that I was sorry that he was worried, but that I felt like I was under surveillance or something, and that it wasn't that late. He grudgingly said he guessed he owed me an apology, but it wasn't very sincere, dammit. He also does this "silent" passive aggressive thing every time he's upset about something that makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells and is wearing thin really fast. He even sleeps with his back to me when he's mad, which he NEVER does. He always sleeps on his back! Argh!
I thought of several things to say to him today after I had thought about it some more, but he's still being all standoffish and cold and withdrawn and I am tired of being the one to break the ice.
FTR, there were about 10 moms there, mostly with children younger than mine. Not one of them called to check in with their husbands because they thought it was late. Not ONE of their husbands called them on their cell phones to check in on them. And when I checked in with a couple women at yoga today who were there last night, and mentioned his being upset, they couldn't figure out why either, so I really don't think it's me.
His mom said it's because his ex-wife burned him so bad that he worries, but sometimes I suspect he can be a little controlling in a passive-aggressive way, which worries me. I don't react well to that, and have never checked in with anyone in my life, except when I'm legitimately LATE or have a huge change of plans. I don't like feeling like I have to account for where I am every minute, especially when I've already said where I'm going to be, and I'm still f*cking there.
Anyway, I guess I don't need reassurance that it's me, but I don't know how to deal with this silent treatment and coldness. David used to do this and it drove me BONKERS but he was nowhere as bad as Tom is about it. At least when I approached him, he would make a legitimate attempt to talk to me and resolve it there on the spot - not keep making me come back to re-resolve it, or whatever.
I feel like Tom is so sensitive to whatever I say that I will make it worse if I try to explain to him how his behavior is really having a negative impact on me and makes me not even want to be around him when he's doing that - I'd rather he go out and get drunk and work it off, or yell and fight it out, or ANYthing than this silent shit.
OK, I promise to stop venting about this. It's just that the few arguments we've had always end up like this, sometimes even not arguments, but just things I say that he takes personally when they're not even about him, and it worries me about how we're going to resolve it. Pretty soon, I'm probably going to lose my temper and just follow him around until he yells back at me or something ;).
Speaking of David, he's been very nice lately, emailing me frequently and being mostly responsive to my emails, which is new and different. He said he's feeling a bit manic, which worries me though.
We got 2 offers on the house, enough to pay off the mortgage w/ nothing left over, and we may have to shell out some bucks to fix a few things, but hopefully it will work out!
It makes me very sad though :(. I am going to have to let go of this dream that Tom will suddenly change his mind about needing to be here and we can move home and back into my house, which I love so much. I am really grieving the loss of the only real home I have ever known, that was truly *mine*. I don't think I am going to take it well when we finally close on the house.
The reality is, though, that even if we moved back, we're so far behind on payments, that it would be foreclosed upon before I could get back up to speed :(. I guess I'm just SOL as far as that goes, one way or the other. Not to mention that my credit looks like shit now.
::sigh::
So, overall, a good day for the most part, although some outstanding sadnesses and issues that I wish would get resolved. Just like most days I guess.
posted by Unknown @ 6:16 PM
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